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Courage doesn't always roar...
Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow."

For photos referred to in my WLS Journal, please visit http://picturetrail.com/carolineam. The password for the  My Reconstructive Journey albums is ps . Please view the photos in these albums with care as some of them are of a very graphic nature.

~~~~~~11/26/03 Wednesday, 11:30 am - Weight 252 lbs (-115 lbs)
Hi everyone :) I am just wanting to take a moment to write and thank
everyone who's taken the time to read my profile and write to me. Many
say that I am an inspiration, and gosh, if only you all knew how much
YOU inspire me! If it were not for ObesityHelp.com and all the
incredible people here, I would never have even considered WLS as a
viable option for myself, and surely I'd have had more difficulty
staying motivated and on track with my new lifestyle!

I am continuing to do great with my weight loss, and each day brings a
new adventure with it. My most recent "wow" experience happened this
past Monday. I'd purchased a pair of Liz Claiborne pants in size 1X on
eBay, and when they arrived Monday, I eyeballed them and assumed that I
wasn't even close to fitting in them yet. But they fit me perfectly :)
My body is definately taking on a more feminine shape these days, and
this I feel very good about. I still have a long way to go with my
weight loss, but with each pound off, I grow more and more confident
that I really will be able to reach my goal of a "normal" size and be
able to keep the weight off.

I've heard many say that as they get further out, their ability (and
wanting) to eat increases drastically. While there are some days more
than others that I can eat a bit, I am finding that most of the time, I
am eating LESS than I was earlier on in my journey as a post-op. I find
that I do need to remind myself to eat sometimes, and when I am able to
eat, it isn't as much as what it was earlier out. I am now usually doing
about 3/4 cup of food per meal and have become satisfied with this. The
physical hunger, while still present, now only happens when I have gone
for long stretches of time without food, and I am finding that I am now
experiencing a true "full" sensation even with small amounts of food. I
am also experiencing "satisfaction" before feeling full now, and this is
a wonderful feeling to have.

For Thanksgiving, Alan and I will be going to my Dad's, and we are
really looking forward to it. I am not worried in the least bit about
what I'll be eating as I am making it a point to have all of my
"regulars" there for me - VHT Extreme Smoothies, Strive bars, Lifetime
non-fat cheese, SouthWestern EggBeaters, Propel, etc.

Oh, and I FINALLLY listed a bunch of my too-large clothing on eBay. For
anyone who might be interested in clothing size 1X through 4X, please
feel free to check my eBay listings by clicking here :)

Sending hugs and a Happy Thanksgiving to all!!! :) Caroline


~~~~~~11/30/03 Sunday, 11:00 am - Weight 254 lbs (-113 lbs)
Hi everyone!
Gosh, have I missed being here! Alan and I JUST got home a tiny bit ago
from our trip to AZ. I am so glad to be home so that I can get back on
target with my eating. I learned a few things these past few days:
- I should never assume that I my compulsion/proclivity to overeat is
gone. - While I thought that I would eat very healthy and in moderation
throughout the Thanksgiving holiday/weekend, I ate WAY more than I
usually do the past couple of days. While I did ok on Thanksgiving,
Friday and Saturday were NOT good eating days with me grazing and making
poor food choices both days.
- I was right in my theory that I should not have ice cream around me
whether it is no sugar added & fat free or not. - I learned that when it
comes environmental control, even the best plans will not overcome an
environment with lots of temptation. And being that ice cream goes down
easily, I could not depend on my pouch to help me limit my intake of it.
I need to stick to my "out of reach, out of mind" rule, and never give
in to buying Blue Bunny ice cream bars or Dreyers fat-free, no sugar
added ice cream.
- I was again reminded that I need to stop while the stopping is good.
Last night I had the worst abdominal cramping and pain. I am not sure if
it was too many carbs, too much fat, or simply too much food, but I was
feeling beyond aweful by the end of the night.
- I was reminded of the "failure syndrome" that I learned about (and
experienced) while at the HMR program. The bad news is that I lost
control for the last 2 days and even managed to gain 3 lbs (most of this
is probably water but still...). The good news is that this doesn't have
to mean that I throw in the towel and give up on myself. I CAN be like
"normal" people who have poor food choice/amount days and then go back
to taking care of themselves by eating right and working out more.
- Not having to ask for a seatbelt extension on an airplane is nowhere
near as wonderful as being able to walk down the plane aisle, use the
pulldown tray, or go to the restroom while on the flight.

Again, I'm so glad to be back! I have uploaded my most recent photos to
my picturetrail (some of which can be found here) so please feel free to
have a look by clicking on most of the photos above!
 

~~~~~~12/01/03 Monday, 6:00 am - Weight 251.5 lbs (-116 lbs)
Well, looks like most of the 3 lb gain was water weight... Thank
goodness. I did well yesterday although didn't get in the exercise that
I wanted to. This will be my plan for today :) I'll be biking and going
for a swim for sure!


7 MONTHS POST-OP, DECEMBER 2003


~~~~~~12/02/03 Tuesday, 11:00 am - Weight 251 lbs (-116 lbs)
In one of the message board posts, someone asked about how do you tell a
potential mate about the excess skin, etc.

I thought I'd share my response here:
As for the excess skin issue, I TOTALLY understand. Fortunately I'm
married so don't have to worry about telling him (or showing him LOL),
but I met my hubby online 7 years ago and in person 3 months after we'd
met online. Similar to what you are going through now, I was soooo
worried about meeting Alan in person and letting him see me for fear
that he'd be turned away because of my weight.

How I handled it was a week before he came out to meet me from CA (I was
living in Queens, NY at the time), I told him that I was very heavy and
was completely honest with him with everything except my exact weight.
Well, needless to say, my fears went unfounded. He was attracted to me
before he knew whether I was thin or fat, and meeting me in person
didn't change his opinion of me. And while he wasn't turned on by the
fact that I was so heavy, in his words, he "didn't think anything of it
- I was attracted to you for other reasons." (my hubby was at the time
VERY into keeping active, eating healthier, and wasn't overweight then.)
To this day, my hubby shows nothing but love for me whether I be fat or
thinner, and even with all the sagging skin.

I know I am very lucky to have him in my life, and I know from my
experience with him that there ARE guys out there who can truly love us
for who we are on the inside even though we aren't 100% perfect on the
outside. If this guy in your life is truly the right person for you, he
will love you with or without the excess skin, and he will accept you
for who you are as a person both inside and out.

And a follow up to this:
Yes, I AM soooo fortunate to have my hubby in my life :) We both write
poetry and at the time (August 1996), I had started a group/forum on
AOL's message boards called "writing-away-the-pain" (it can now be found
on yahoogroups). Alan wrote me about one of my poems and I wrote back,
and we continued to share poetry this way for about a week. Then one
night, he saw I was online and IM'd me. We call it "Love At First Write"
LOL... 2 months later we met in person (he came to visit me in NY) and 2
months after that, I came to CA to visit him. He proposed the first
night I was in CA :) 8 months later, almost a year from the time we'd
met online, we got married and I moved here to CA. I couldn't have asked
for a better person to share the rest of my life with :)


~~~~~~12/03/03 Wednesday, 3:00 am - Weight 251 lbs (-116 lbs)
Thought I'd share my response to one of the messages in the CA message
board rg therapy (for PTSD) before and after WLS... This is something
that is dear to my heart and was information that I sought out as a
preop but wasn't able to find. Hopefully, by sharing, others in "a
similar boat" may be helped:

"Been there done that with the PTSD... As for "the past is the past",
from one who's been there, there's also a saying "I may be done with the
past but the past isn't done with me." To truly heal from trauma, one
can't run from it but has to walk through it and find a new ending...

I, too, had the "perfect" life (my MA, 21 credit hours shy of my Ph.D.,
great job, wonderful hubby, safe home, etc.) - everything but my weight
was perfect. Or so I thought... The truth of the matter was that one of
the roles my weight (and eating) served was to keep the past hidden deep
inside me in a place where I couldn't feel the pain. My compulsive
eating allowed me to run from the pain and the memories...

From January 2000 to October 2000, I lost 125 lbs, and when I started
losing the weight and stopped binging, guess what happened... Yes, the
past eventually caught up to me... I couldn't run from it even if I
wanted to... Flashbacks became the rule, and I fell apart to
the point that I had to leave work. Soon after, in a frantic attempt to
push the memories and feelings back into hiding, I returned to my
compulsive/binge eating, and I gained all 125 lbs back that I had
lost...

I have been in therapy with someone who specializes in working with
people with PTSD (and dissociation as well) since that time and for the
past 3 years. And because of my learning to "walk through the memories
and feelings" rather than running from them like I did in the past, I
have been able to succeed with my having had WLS 7 months ago (and
succeed without falling apart or returning to SI).

The problem with "the past is past" is that while yes, true, we can't
change the past and can only move forward in our lives, we also need to
come to terms with the past and learn how to allow ourselves to feel.
Without this, the need to drown out those feelings with food will
continue, and either you will fail with WLS and even worse, may
compromise your health...

As for the psych eval, I agree that you do want to downplay any mental
health/emotional issues, but at the same time, be honest. There are
PLENTY of people who have PTSD (and worse as a result of severe trauma)
who have had the surgery... The purpose of the psych eval is to
determine if you understand what you heading into with WLS as well as to
ensure that you have the supports necessary to succeed. Unless you have
a mental health issue that will prevent you from following dr's orders
(which PTSD is not one of them), I wouldn't worry too much about the
psych eval/approval."


~~~~~~12/04/03 Thursday, 6:00 pm - Weight 249 lbs (-118 lbs)
Gosh, how good it feels to see the scale drop below 250 lbs! This is
such a huge milestone for me as this is almost the lowest weight I've
ever been since I was graduating ASU at 21 years old! (Well, I did get
down to 235 lbs back in October 2000, although the last 15 lbs dropped
was because that was when I was dealing with the bulemia so I don't
really count that.) Could it be that this time I really WILL make it and
keep the weight off permanently? I thank God everyday for making this
tool available to me...


~~~~~~12/05/03 Friday, 6:30 pm - Weight 248 lbs (-119 lbs)
Just thought I'd say hi to everyone and hope this finds you having had a
fantastic day! Krista came over by my place and we went to the gym for
about three hours. We got in a great amount of exercize, and I am
feeling so calm and relaxed right now. Oh, and with all the talk about
crockpot cooking in my GastricBypass-PostOp Yahoo!Group, I decided to
try and make something with my crockpot (that I've had for over 6 years
yet never used). I'll let you know how it turns out! (Thanks Krista for
your helping this no-nothing-about-cooking gal! LOL)

On a serious note, tomorrow night/Sunday morning marks one year since my
grandfather's death. I am not sure quite how I feel about it as there
are many mixed feelings going on inside...

LOOKING BACK

Pitter patter
Dry leaves crunch
Grounded themselves,
Providing cover.

Whistle blows
Kids run
Across to the flagpole,
“I’ll get there first!”

Me, I sit
And write
And think.

Looking back
To childhood days.

Sad, unhappy
Frightened, torn
Mother sick
Father enraged.

Grandparents. Safety?
Or something else?

Mixed emotions
Memories held back.

Watching again
Kids on swings
Rocking, sliding,
Having fun.

Wishing a childhood
Could be relived.
Remembered, reloved,
Rejoiced.

And perhaps renew
My soul.

© 11/3/00, Caroline Ann Martin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SEASHORE SHELLS

your tongue pierces through skin
slices into my heart
and cuts me to pieces
like a leopard and its spots
your mouth never changes
only waxes and wanes seemingly
through manipulation

yet I need you to make it better
believe me please these
shattered parts of self
pained memories within seashore shells
will live even upon his death
like one fell swoop will crash over
ground where I lay in tears

salted air brings fresh memories
you and I a Jones Beach summer
waves crash knees as I sink ever lower
your hold safely lifts me to sky
at end of the day to shower we go
no boundaried violation your fingers urge
head pressed against you needing to choke
wishing I were seashells still at the shore

wanting to be safe or never more

(c) 12/5/02, Caroline Ann Martin


~~~~~~12/07/03 Sunday, 6:30 pm - Weight 248 lbs (-119 lbs)
What a wonderful night Alan and I had last night! We went to his ISA-LA
holiday party, and it felt so good knowing that I looked pretty nice. I
will be getting the dress altered during the week for next Sunday's
Coastal Center for Obesity holiday party. I am hoping Krista and Yvette
and their sweeties will be able to go too.

I've been noticing the last couple of days that I am beginning to
experience that "old feeling" of full again, and it seems to be
happening with just a small amount of food eaten. It feels great knowing
that my body is providing me direct feedback as to when it is ok to stop
eating.


~~~~~~12/13/03 Saturday, 9:45 pm - Weight 245 lbs (-122 lbs)
What a terrific day spent going to see Holly (Joe's wife and our friend)
and later meeting at Mimi's Cafe in VIsta for the SoCal WLS Get-Together
:) I am never left short of inspiration meeting some of the wonderful
people who make up ObesityHelp! I spent most of tonight going through
the photos I took and editing them. Please have a look in my
PictureTrail (just click on one of the photos above) for some terrific
photos!!


~~~~~~12/17/03 Wednesday, 9:45 am - Weight 242 lbs (-125 lbs)
I woke this morning to weigh myself and find another 2 lbs gone since
yesterday meaning I have literally lost a lb a day since Friday. I love
it when that happens and am beyond excited about getting into the 230's
and back to the weight that I was at age 20. 235 lbs marks the lowest
weight I've ever been able to diet down to since age 20, and as of
today, I can say that I have lost more weight with WLS than with any of
my preop diets. Yea me :)

In my inperson support group, somebody said something to me a few weeks
back about how I "come off" as believing things only happen to me (like
plateaus, etc.). And I can see what she meant. After all, in the early
months post-op, I was "running scared" not understanding why I stopped
losing at 2 weeks out, could eat "so much", not feel full and by 2
months out only be losing 1 -2 lbs a week. I didn't understand that
these were not uncommon (see my Q&A area below), nor that I just needed
to have patience with the process. I expressed my concerns often in the
support group, and I can now see how others could get frustrated
listening to me whine.

At the same time, her comment really hurt me, because the way I really
felt inside was just the opposite. From my research here on
ObesityHelp.com, in the YahooGroups, and in Coastal's inperson support
group, I realized that I WASN'T alone in my feelings of helplessness and
hopelessness, major yoyo dieting, history of weight gain, etc. By the
time I was ready to have my surgery, I realized that I was the SAME as
others in regards to struggles with weight. Just like so many (if not
most) others, I was very scared in the beginning that I wouldn't succeed
with the surgery - that somehow I would fail it or it would fail me.

I kept asking myself how this time would be different from all the other
times I lost a lot of weight only to regain it back. The answer that I
kept coming back to was that I wouldn't physically be able to eat the
amount of food I used to eat, and that if I "went off the diet", there
would be immediate consequences (aversive therapy if you will) that
would help me get back on track sooner than later. So I went into
surgery with blind faith which was gathered by reading and hearing about
other people's stories. I figured that if I wasn't different than others
in terms of preop history, then perhaps I could succeed just as they did
after surgery. Yes, blind faith based on the notion that I wasn't any
different from others, and it turns out I was right...

Almost daily I read a message from someone in the message boards who is
newly postop and going through the same fears that I had early out (my
weight loss has stopped, I'm not losing fast enough, etc.), and should
anyone reading this be having those fears, please be patient with
yourself and trust in the process. I know it is so much easier said then
done, but it is the truth. We WILL succeed... As long as we are
persistent in self care and healthy eating, the weight WILL come off. It
may not come off as fast as we'd expected (I still have another 100 lbs
to lose), but eventually we WILL reach our goals...

If others who've gone through the same process as me can reach their
goal weight and succeed at maintaining a normal, healthy weight, than so
can I.  After all, I wasn't different from them before surgery and neither
am I after surgery.  Patience with the process... Yes, this is what it is
all about.
 

~~~~~~12/19/03 Friday, 8:30 pm - Weight 241 lbs (-126 lbs)
Even with being sick with the flu, I was able to manage to get out today
to go pick up Alan's Christmas gift today. I don't think I've mentioned
it here yet as I wanted to keep it a surprise for him and he is signed
up here as a member and reads my updates in my profile on occasion, but
given that I will be presenting it to him tomorrow, I highly doubt he'll
get to this post tonight.

Here's the scoop... I've been trying to figure out what to get my
sweetie for Christmas. He's very hard to shop for and whenever I ask
what he'd like for Christmas, his response is always, "but I have
everything I want already - I have you!" Awwwwwwwwww, yes? But it
doesn't help me to pick out a gift for him. LOL

Sooooo... After giving it some thought, and asking Krista for her
assistance (she has a Honda Element which is awesome for transporting
things), I brought Alan's Specialized RockHopper to a local bike shop
and got it completely cleaned, calibrated, new suspension post
(purchased on eBay :), new handgrips, pedals and toe straps, and new
Specialized BodyGeometry cutout seat. Oh, and a new tube for his front
tire. The bike looks great and should ride a LOT better than how it did.
I wrestled with the thought of just buying him a brand new bike
altogether, but knowing my hubby, if I'd gotten him a new bike (which
would have cost a couple hundred more to match the quality of his
RockHopper), he'd have said, "but I already have a great bike already.
It just needs to be cleaned and the gears calibrated." The benefits of a
new bike would have been great, but trying to think how my hubby thinks
and needing to limit spending, I figured fixing up his old bike would be
best.

I've been "bugging" him to go biking this coming weekend, and we will be
going tomorrow. He's no clue what I've done, nor that his bike was even
missing for the last week and a half. Being that I have my new
Specialized Expedition, I can't wait for us to go out on the trail :) 7
months ago, at 367 lbs, there's no way I'd have been able to go biking
with him. Now, at 241 lbs, I look forward to going with him. Sharing a
ride together is the best gift I could give him - he not only "has 'me'
as the best gift he could ever want," but now I can give him the gift of
being active with him.

I'll let everyone know how the surprise goes tomorrow!


~~~~~~12/22/03 Monday, 10:30 pm - Weight 239 lbs (-128 lbs)
Well, the great news is, Alan loved his present :) His first words were
"my favorite Christmas present ever was the bike I got as a kid!" "That
is sooooo sweet!!!" :) The bad news is that my flu got REALLY bad Sat
and most of the day Sunday (it's a bit better today and hopefully is
going to continue getting better). So I wasn't able to go biking :( But
there WILL be other weekends and we WILL go soon!!!! And I'll be sure to
post some photos when the time comes!

Today, I uploaded a MS Word file for my Pea Soup recipe in my
GastricBypass-YahooGroup. I spent a couple hours making it and then the
whole day cooking the pea soup to bring to my inperson support group.
Well, when taking it out of my car once I arrived at my meeting, I put
it on the hood of my car and the pot slid off my hood, leaving the pea
soup in the parking lot! Bummer!!!!!! :( Also lost my best Correlle
serving platter as it broke in several pieces :( But I still had a great
time tonight at the Coastal Center for Obesity inperson support group...
Just goes to remind me that life doesn't always go as planned... LOL
Enjoy the recipe, and be weary of trying to carry too many things at one
time!


~~~~~~12/24/03 Wednesday, 8:30 am - Weight 239 lbs (-128 lbs)
Well, the GREAT news is that I am feeling a bit better. This flu/cold
thing is still with me, but knock on wood, it has yet to turn into
bronchitis :) Thank you for your warm get well wishes :)

Today, Alan and I venture out driving to Arizona to be with my dad for
Christmas. We'll be back Sunday night, and until then, I won't be able
to be online much given he has a slllloooowwww dial up connection where
it takes about 5 minutes just to read and respond to one email/post :(

I am hoping this holiday goes better than Thanksgiving did in terms of
my eating while at my dad's. Over Thanksgiving I felt insatiable.
Nothing I ate was "enough". I am going this time packed with beef jerky
(by Jerky Hut - yum), Atkins Crunchers, oranges, SF gum and SF mints.
Ice cream is off limits. For exercise, I'm bringing my resistance bands,
pilates ring, pedometer, walking shoes, and jacket.

As for Alan's bike, I've yet to feel well enough to join him for a ride,
but we're hoping that by the time we get back, I'll be up for it :)

As for my weight loss, last week I lost a lb a day for 8 days in a row!
WOW! It's slowed down again and the scale hasn't moved for the past 3
days, but sure enough it will move soon enough :) As I was going to
sleep last night, it dawned on me that all I need to lose is 10 lbs a
month for the next 4 months until I'm 1 year postop to get under 200 lbs
and reach 170 lbs lost in my first year. At the rate I've been losing
(at least 12 lbs per month), I will be able to reach that goal (once
thought to be a pie in the sky)!


~~~~~~12/30/03 Tuesday, 10:30 am - Weight 239 lbs (-128 lbs) I went to my dad's for Christmas and just as happened over Thanksgiving, I had a harder than expected time around food. Fortunately for me, I wasn't feling too great most of the trip (due to a bad cold/flu) and wasn't able to eat much as a result.Y bad... I'EEEEEclue what made me sick though as the only thing "bad" I ate was a couple of fried clams and about 1/8 cup of
clam chowder. The rest of what I had was a cup of hot tea with a tiny bit of milk and equal, and a couple bites of lobster. And as with Thanksgiving, I didn't lose any weight at all. This time last week, I
was the same weight as I am today. So back on track for me now that I am home once again!


8 MONTHS POST-OP, JANUARY 2004

~~~~~~1/02/03 Friday, 4:00 pm - Weight 238 lbs (-129 lbs)
Today marks 8 months since my surgery :) I am down 129 lbs and 126.5 inches (just from the places I measured)! It just dawned on me that that's over 10 feet of myself gone! To think, I've lost the width of a standard sized room! I've lost over 20 inches off each of my bust, back, waist and hips alone, and am floored by how big I must have been prior to my surgery. Was I ever really THAT big???!!!


~~~~~~1/5/04 day, 11:29 am - Weight 236 lbs (-131 lbs)
Finally, the scale is moving :) After 13 days of staying between 238 and 239 lbs, I finally stepped on the scale this morning to see it move. There's nothing I've done differently to make this happen, and I guess my body was just needing the time to catch up to my super fast weight loss three weeks ago. Nevertheless, a group of us in my gastricbypass-postop group are riding the protein train for the next 3 days, and I'm drinking my Nectar (Fuzzy Navel - yum :) as I type.

I've been bad about getting exercise in these past two weeks, and it seems every day I tell myself, "today's the day I'm going biking/walking/swimming/etc. Yet it doesn't seem to happen. I feel like I've been going through the post-holiday blues and am both physically and emotionally tired (make that drained) a lot of the time... Just another example of how some things don't change following surgery and weight loss.

Here it is a beautiful sunny day outside, and I am sitting on my couch fighting the urge to go curl up in my bed and go back to sleep. Perhaps I've just been overextending myself and need rest and sleep to feel better? Sometimes it's hard figuring when it's "giving in" and when it's taking care of myself...


~~~~~~1/6/04 Tuesday, 1:20 pm - Weight 235 lbs (-132 lbs) OMG! This Nectar Fuzzy Navel protein drink is soooooo awesome! The one thing that I've missed terribly since my surgery has been orange juice. I used to LOVE orange juice and it was a comfort food for me to say the least. The Fuzzy Navel has a orangy-peach taste, is not too sweet (as the other Nectar drinks tend to be), has the texture and color of orange juice and is just out of this world!

Best yet, it has 24 gm protein, 0 carbs, 0 fat and 96 calories per cup! I just finished my early afternoon protein drink and feel full and satisfied. And my "head" is pleased as it thinks I had OJ :)

Here's a link to order a sample or full tub of :http://www.BariatricEating.com


~~~~~~1/6/04 day, 7:15 pm - Weight 235 lbs (-132 lbs)
Having TOOOOO much fun with the camera here :) And I didn't think my loss was noticeable??? Doing GREAT on the "protein train" today!


~~~~~~1/9/04 Friday, 12:15 am - Weight 232 lbs (-135 lbs)
I'm off to sleep in a moment but wanted to check in really fast :) My
weight loss is still going strong since Sunday evening after only losing
a lb in 2 weeks (over the holidays). I'm feeling so great physically and
so wish I'd had the surgery years ago. I'll be away all day tomorrow
spending time with a close friend from N. CA (my friend who stayed with
me and helped me for the week immediately following my WLS). We haven't
seen each other since my being 1 week postop (outside of photos), and I
can't wait to see her :)

I will be back online Saturday and will be sure to check in then and to
send a last minute reminder about the SoCal WLS trip to Disneyland/CA
Adventure set for this Sunday! I've already had several confirmations by
people who'll be coming, and this should be a spectacular event! Please
be sure to read my posts in the message board for all the details :)

And yup, I had my hair colored :) I was scared to do it as the last and
only time I tried coloring my hair, it turned bright orange copper in
patches! LOL That stunt made it necessary to die my hair back to the
original color (which was a light brown/copper) and over time, as my
hair grows in a different color every few years and is now growing in
brown/auburn, I was showing "roots". So now I am all one color again - a
color closer to my natural haircolor currently growing in. Now if only I
could figure out what to do with my bangs! LOL Any suggestions?


~~~~~~1/14/04 Wednesday, 12:30 pm - Weight 232 lbs (-135 lbs)
Had a wonderful time at Disneyland with Alan, Pat and her hubby, Brian,
and Sherrie and her sister and husband, Ted. We walked over 11.5 miles
on Sunday, and I am still recouping. I've been sooooo tired, even
somewhat down today. But I will keep putting one step infront of the
other... Please be sure to check my picture trail as I've lots of new
photos up including those from Disneyland and CA Adventure :)


~~~~~~1/17/04 Saturday, 7:50 pm - Weight 227 lbs (-140 lbs)
My weight loss has been amazing this month. Supposedly, weight loss is
supposed to slow down after the first 6 months postop, but this hasn't
been the case for me. Only 2 weeks into my 9th month and I've already
lost 11 lbs. The weight seems to be just falling off me. I should be
happy... Ecstatic... But rather I've been fighting a major depression
that is causing me to want to hide from the world. Other than feeling
overwhelmed by everthing that needs to be done rg Alan's mom's estate
and the house in PA (and our future selling our condo and subsequent
move), life is going well. And so I am left wondering where the
depression is coming from. Perhaps it is due to an "anniversary" coming
up? But I don't think this is it because usually the roughest time for
me inside is during the summers. If anything, January and February is
usually the time that I feel empowered and ready to "take on the world".
Perhaps it is due to the weight loss itself? Perhaps hormonal changes
taking place as the fat continues to "break down"? Regardless of what is
going on, I've been doing well with my eating and not turning to food to
"numb" myself. At the same time, I haven't been swimming and biking
nearly as much as I was doing. I have managed to workout with my
resistance bands and on my Healthrider stationary bike, but otherwise,
I've been doing a lot of "hiding out" at home where it feels safe.
Wishing I knew the answer how to make myself feel better... Whatever's
happened in the past happened... Right? Wishing I could just leave the
past in the past and wake each morning fully able to realize the
beautiful day it is outside and wake wanting to participate in life...


~~~~~~1/18/04 Sunday, 9:00 pm - Weight 227 lbs (-140 lbs)
Well, I started my period today, so am thinking that perhaps this has
been contributing to the incredible depression I've been experiencing
this past week. Hopefully, now, it will improve somewhat... Today my
modem was down most of the day which meant I couldn't be online like I
usually am. I used this time to take the opportunity to go through ALL
my drawers and closet. I have literally emptied most of the dresser and
over 3/4 of my closet of clothing that no longer fits! I'm amazed at how
much clothing I've aquired throughout the years as I yoyo dieted my way
from 310 to 250 to 360 to 235 to 355 to 320 and up again to 367 (just in
the past 7 years). I am keeping the tan pants and 4X Winnie the Pooh
t-shirt I wore for my "day-before-surgery" pictures, but otherwise,
everything is going... For some reason it's very hard for me to just
give my clothing away. It would be in my best interest to just take a
few trips to Goodwill and donate it all (as I don't need to add any more
"to do's" to my to do list, but giving it away (especially the expensive
Liz Claiborne clothing that I paid a good amount of money for) is so so
hard to do. Part of this is due to financial issues and my needing to
purchase clothing that fits now. At this time, I only have 1 bra, 2
pairs of pants, and a quickly depleting supply of tops and underwear
that fit. Even the great majority of my socks are too big... So this
coming week, I will be focusing again on listing a bunch of things on
eBay. Hopefully this time next week, my office now filled with too-large
clothing will be emptying out.


~~~~~~1/20/04 Tuesday, 10:30 am - Weight 227 lbs (-140 lbs)
Today, I'm going in for the bloodwork and xray of my tailbone/lower
spine that my PCP ordered a month ago. I am fasting for it, but drinking
water hoping that it will make the getting blood easier. (I've rarely
had good experiences with blood being taken as my veins run deep and
wobble). Hopefully the "run deep" issue is improved, LOL, but the
wobbling is still there I am sure... I am having all of my vitamin
levels checked as well as a CBC and testing to check on my thyroid and
to rule out sarcoidosis and other autoimmune problems. Also being
checked will be my cortisol level which I am sure is high and could
account for some of the depression and slow metabolism. For the past 15
years (ever since I started gaining weight at age 19), my ANA has been
positive and my SED rate very elevated. The drs think I have some form
of autoimmune disease that is "lurking". Most likely mixed connective
muscle disease, although I was diagnosed with Hashimotos (thyroid) 2
years ago so perhaps this is what is causing the symptoms (in addition
to the abnormal bloodwork, I deal with depression, fatique, slow
metabolism, cold and tingling in my extremities, intermittent arthritic
type pain, ovarian cysts, etc.). Most of the time the bloodwork doesn't
show anything other than a slightly positive ANA (speckled pattern) and
an elevated SED rate (anywhere from 35 to 90). Two years ago, my thyroid
tests came back abnormal (indicating hyperthyroid and thyroidosis), I
had a goiter, and an iodine reuptake test showed that my thyroid
function was extremely slowed - this is how the endocrinologist
diagnosed me with Hashimotos (causing hypothyroid). Since that time, my
bloodwork thyroid panels have been showing normal, so sometimes I wonder
if the diagnosis was just wrong or whether I am just in remission.
Hoping today's bloodwork will answer some questions...


~~~~~~1/21/04 Wednesday, 9:30 pm - Weight 127 lbs (-140 lbs)
Thank you to everyone who's offered their support and posts rg my
dealing with this frustrating depression for the past few weeks. I'm
still not really sure what's up with me and still wonder if it has
something to do with the breakdown of fat or perhaps my thyroid is not
right again.

I did get to the medical center yesterday and had about 10 vials of
blood taken for all the lab tests. Also had about 10 to 12 xrays done of
my lumber spine and tailbone. I need to call my PCP tomorrow to ask
about the results of the xrays and then hopefully by Friday or Monday,
the results from the bloodwork will all be back.

Today, I went to see my surgeon for my 9 month follow up appt (he saw me
early as I followed people's advice about checking with him rg the
depression). Weight-wise, I am right on target if not ahead of the game,
and he expects me to lose at least another 70 to 80 lbs prior to
considering any reconstructive surgery. He documented all the problems
I've been having with the excess skin, so hopefully this will help when
(hopefully only "if") it comes time for PS.

As for the depression, he said he didn't think it was the fat breakdown
causing hormonal changes but is wanting me to have all my lab results
faxed to him as it sounds like something could definately be going on
with my thyroid.

On a SUPER positive note, my body fat percentage is now down to 37%
(from 46.8% only 3 months ago) and of the 42 lbs I've lost in the past 3
1/2 months, 40 of them have been from fat and only a mere 2 lbs from
muscle :) My BMR (Basal Metabolic Rate) has also increased somewhat -
from 7.39 calories burned per lb per day to 8.69 calories burned per lb
per day (which probably accounts for why I am losing at a faster pace
now than before). I attribute all of this directly to keeping my protein
high and doing the weight lifting/weight bearing exercises :)


~~~~~~1/25/04 Sunday, 10:20 pm - Weight 226 lbs (-141 lbs)
This week has been a TOUGH week for me weight and food-wise. I
started my period last Monday and as always happens whenever I get my
period, my weight loss came to a screeching halt. I have been between
226 and 227 for the last week, which is fine but I don't want to wait
another week to start seeing the scale move again. I have a full week to
go before my 9 month "monthiversary" from WLS, and I'd love to say that
this has been my best losing month since my first 2 months postop. If
the weight loss picks up again, I will be able to say this as I've
already lost my standard 12 lbs per month this month.

In the last 2 1/2 days, I've dumped twice (today on roast beef and
Friday on chicken and veggies. Also, I am not sure why, but I am finding
myself almost constantly physically hungry. It is a horrible feeling,
and I am having tummy cramping, nausea, etc. I've been having small,
frequent meals, but I can't get down enough to stay satisfied for more
than one hour at a time. I've been getting in all my liquids,
exercising, getting in my protein, etc. but nothing seems to be helping
with the hunger.

So starting tomorrow morning, I'm hopping back on the protein train with
hopes of kick starting my weight loss again and to see if this might
help me deal with this ongoing hunger...


~~~~~~1/26/04 Monday, 2:30 pm - Weight 226 lbs (-141 lbs)
I am off to the gym in a bit! I planned on going back to sleep
earlier today but never wound up doing so. And unmotivated me still
managed to get a few things accomplished :) I did all my dishes, cleaned
the kitchen, did 2 load of laundry (have yet to put it away), filled the
bird feeders out on my balcony and went through some clothing to drop
off to Goodwill today and some to bring to my inperson support group
tonight :)

I'm off to the gym in a moment and then following that will go to the
mall to get the extended warranty for my new sewing machine I got over
Christmas and then will head to my meeting :)

So far here's what I've had:
-- 32 oz Crystal Light (3/4 water, 1/4 Crystal Light)
-- 1 oz of non-fat cheese (not on the protein train but needed to rid of
it before it goes bad) - 40 cals, 8 gm protein, 1 gm carb, 0 fat.
-- VHT Extreme Smoothie - 170 cals, 35 gm protein, 6 gm carbs, .5 fat
-- Tonight, I will have another VHT Extreme Smoothie and a Starbucks NF,
SF latte (about 24 gm carbs, 20 gm protein, 0 fat) and LOTS more
water/Crystal Light.

Hope this finds everyone who joined me in the protein train doing
well!!!


~~~~~~1/28/04 Wednesday, 5:30 pm - Weight 226 lbs (-141 lbs)
Krista came by my place this morning and I actually tried rollerskating
for the first time in 15 years!!! Granted, I wasn't very good LOL, but I
WAS able to stay up without falling and didn't even need to lean on a
person or object to stay up!


~~~~~~1/30/04 Friday, 11:50 pm - Weight 226 lbs (-141 lbs)
Even though the scale still hasn't moved (for almost 2 weeks now), I
have been having such an awesome time learning about my "new" body!
There's soooooo much that I can do now that I could only dream of doing
before - doing laundry, going to the beach, walking down (and back up)
the huge flight of stairs that goes to the beach at Laguna Beach,
walking in the sand, rollerskating, etc. I even tried rollerblading for
the first time in my life today :) What FUN this is! Please click on any
of the photos above to go to my picturetrail and WLS Gratitude List to
see all the photos :)

Today, Krista came by and we went to Laguna Beach to meet Susan D. (one
of my angelettes whose 18 days postop) for lunch. The three of us (and
Susan's pup, Mandy) had a fun time :) Following this, Krista and I went
down to the beach and later went rollerskating! We had toooooo much fun!
And this time, I was really able to rollerskate. I am getting better
(and much more steady) by the moment. Afterwards, Krista dropped me off
at the Maya Inn where Alan met me and we got to visit Patty (another of
my sweet angelettes). Patty, if you are reading this, you look
fantastic!!!

Alan and I will be going to San Diego to see Holly tomorrow, and we'll
bring our skates along so that we can go for another ride at some point
in the day :)
 

9 MONTHS POST-OP, FEBRUARY 2004


~~~~~~2/3/04 Tuesday, 10:30 am - Weight 224 lbs (-143 lbs)
Yesterday, after 2 full weeks of not losing so much as an ounce, the
scale started moving again. I am now down to 224 lbs from my high of 367
lbs the day of surgery. The roof is finally done on the house in PA and
this week, the restoration company is working on the drywall. Alan had a
job interview over the phone with a company back East, and I've been
getting more and more motivated to finally be listing on eBay. Sunday
and yesterday, I listed a bunch of bears and other stuffed animals, and
tonight and tomorrow I'll be working on listing all of my clothing that
no longer fits. It is still overwhelming, but I am trying to take it one
"chunk" at a time. Depression-wise, it's still with me, but I am trying
to fight it and not give in to it. I have my drawing class today and
don't really want to go. Rather, I'd prefer to stay home, curl up in
bed, and finish reading my first Harry Potter book. Thinking I will curl
up in bed for an hour and then get ready and go to class... I missed
last week's class and really don't want to miss any more. Drawing brings
me a lot of enjoyment, so I need to push myself to go today...


~~~~~~2/5/04 Thursday, 2:00 pm - Weight 222 lbs (-145 lbs)
In my postop group yesterday, someone asked about whether anorexia or
bulimia can become an issue for those who've had WLS... The following
was my response:

I do remember reading somewhere that the development of anorexia and
bulimia are concerns for those who have had WLS. (I don't remember where
though :( I would think this is absolutely true because many of us
became so heavy in the first place because of an eating disorder -
namely binge eating. The thing is is that binge eating disorder is not
very different from bulimia nor anorexia - all are about control. And
specifically to bulimia, the only difference is that with bulimia, the
person purges following a binge whereas there is no purging in binge
eating disorder.

Speaking from personal experience, when one loses weight regardless of
whether the person's had WLS or has been on another form of weight loss
program), assuming the person suffered from binge eating disorder to
begin with, when the compulsion to binge resurfaces there may be a
propensity to try to gain control of that and prevent weight regain -
which is one way how bulimia can come about. To back up a little, I'll
tell a bit about my own personal experience with this...

Speaking for myself, I know all too well about eating disorders both on
a personal experience level and working with those who've had various
addictions including eating disorders. For me personally, I started out
gaining my weight when I was 19 years old. I was binge eating no doubt
and went from 125 lbs to 210 lbs in less than one year. At that point, I
was an undergrad at ASU and went to the student counseling center and
enrolled in a group for those with eating disorders. I didn't understand
why I would be in a group with those suffering from bulimia or anorexia
- afterall, these were the exact opposite of binge eating, right? Well,
no. They all have MANY commonalities. I wound up meeting a girl who was
bulimic in the group, we became close friends, and we later became
roommates for about 1 1/2 years. The similarities were amazing... The
ONLY difference was that she purged (via extensive exercise, not
vomiting) and I didn't.

Later on, I continued to gain weight, went on diets, phen-fen, etc. and
eventually got up to 359 lbs. In late January 2000, I started on the HMR
liquid fast and by late August, I'd lost 125 lbs but with a lot more to
go. I felt wonderful, VERY in control of my binging (I wasn't), and felt
confident that I'd finally kicked my addiction to food and that I'd
finally be able to reach a healthy weight. Boy was I in for a
surprise...

In mid-September 2000, I went to Vegas with Alan, and I did well until
my last day at the hotel. We went for breakfast and I wound up eating
WAY more than I'd planned and felt sick to my stomach as a result. I
wound up having to go to the bathroom and vomit, and it was then and
there that something in my head "clicked". It was like "I can eat what I
want and get away with it!" Now, this is not true - there are MANY
repercussions for bulimia - but my going back to binging was set in
motion and I was terrified of gaining the weight back. For about 3 to 4
weeks following this, I purged after eating anything. It wasn't only
about keeping the calories low, but my head was screaming "eat" and
purging gave me room to eat more.

By October, I had started slowing down with the purging (I was in
counseling at the time), but I finally stopped when I checked myself
into a hospital that had a program for adults who had been seriously
abused as children. (the depression was pretty bad too to say the least
and I was starting to have major flashbacks.) While there, to ensure
that my disordered eating (ie: bulimia or what they thought was anorexia
when I wanted to continue the HMR fast), the staff did not let me stay
on the HMR liquid fast while I was there. Now, anyone who's ever been on
a liquid fast for months at a time knows that when you start eating
regular food again, there is no going back to the fast - it's VERY hard
to do.

So there I was, off the fast, terrified of gaining all my weight back,
but knowing purging was not an option... What did I do? Yup, I gained
123 lbs back of the 125 lbs I'd lost in a short 8 months :(

Then, if that wasn't enough, I went on the HMR fast again - this time
thinking I'd be able to handle it better knowing what I knew. To ensure
my success, I joined a class/group for those with eating disorders that
focused on intuitive eating. By dealing with the eating disorder while
on the liquid fast, this time I'd certainly be successful, right? Wrong
again...

The problem with intuitive eating (in a nutshell, eat when you are
hungry, stop when you are satisfied) is that when your head is telling
you you are always hungry and never satisfied or full for that matter),
you still way over eat... So for the next 7 months, (Jan 2002 to August
2002) I lost 50 lbs and then quickly gained it all back again...

Am I free from the binging now? I am not so sure about this. When I go
to my dad's (or when I was at Holly's (Joe's wife - Joe is Alan's friend
who was killed in a car crash back in August)), the urge to eat past
satisfaction, more frequently, and not so healthy things rears it's ugly
head. So far, I've been successful at dealing with the aftermath of
going off track by reminding myself that this is normal and all I need
to do is hop back on the track which I then do.

Am I free from the bulimia? I think so. But then again, it still lingers
in the background and so I have to stay on guard. For example, while at
Holly's this past Saturday, we went to Olive Garden for lunch. I ate
more than I should have (a bowl of Minestrone soup and lots of shrimp)
and then convinced Alan to get a slice of cheesecake so that I could
have "just a bite". Now, duh! This is absolutely an off limit food for
me and I know I dump so why would I push it? But I did :( I took that
bite (and 3 more) even knowing that there was a good chance I'd get sick
from it.

And then there are days like today where I've had absolutely nothing to
eat and only decaf tea and a Starbucks Latte to drink (and it's already
4 pm.... It's not that I don't want to eat - I'm just not hungry.
Anorexia doesn't mean not eating. It's also understood that the person
doesn't want to eat for fear of gaining weight or of not losing... And I
know that I need to eat something and will (even though I'm still not
hungry)... But... based on my experience this past weekend, I AM
concerned that perhaps, I will never truly be free from disordered
eating...

Hmmm.... reading back on this, I realize I "wrote a book" LOL. I want to
go back and edit it and make it shorter and more to the point -
definately went off on a tangent there... But perhaps I just need to
leave it as is....


~~~~~~2/11/04 Wednesday, 11:00 am - Weight 220 lbs (-147 lbs)

The Turtle

Turbulent waters toss sway
a turtle's shell flip flops
inside a little girl hides afraid
overwhelmed by life it's safer here
hidden away from hurt and pain
hidden away from disappointment fear
but needing to peer out outstretch arms
swim forward towards shore or sink

(c) 2/11/04, C.A. Martin

~~~~~~Hi everyone :)
I am so so sorry I have been MIA the past few days. Still fighting this
depression and proclivity to hide from the world. Things feel pretty
overwhelming right now between dealing with the insurance company and
restoration company rg the house in PA, and dealing with all the to do's
in my life. I'm trying to keep perspective of everything and realize
that things ARE going well, but the depression certainly doesn't help
with this. Some parts of me want to hide out like a turtle in a shell,
and other parts realize that I NEED to swim lest (is that a word? LOL)
sink in all the confusion.

Alan threw me a wonderful birthday party Friday night at Dave & Buster's
(Krista "helped out" with the surprise LOL - boy is she GOOD! LOL), and
then we headed up to Big Bear Saturday morning and got back Sunday
night. We had a great time (I even got to make a snowbear :), but
somehow I managed to lose yet another winter coat. Sunday, we went to
the zoo in Big Bear, and upon leaving, I took a few more photos, stuffed
my digital camera into my coat's pocket and then took the coat off and
put it in the back of my car. Alan and I got home several hours later
and upon unpacking the car, realized that the coat was missing. How does
one lose a brand new (and expensive) Columbia coat so easily? What's
more, how does one lose a brand new coat not once but 3 times now? All
in Big Bear I might add... Geesh... Perhaps there's a coat monster in
Big Bear? Or perhaps the zoo steals people's coats to give to the
animals to keep them warm at night? Yea, I like that thought.... Somehow
it makes it easier thinking that the cute friendly deer I was petting is
now wearing my coat. LOL

So, while I took tons of photos (including of my snowbear), I can't
share them because my camera is lost somewhere with my coat. The good
thing to come out of this is that there was reason to purchase a new
camera (something we've been needing to do for awhile now as the camera
I lost has been having problems the last several months). Best Buy even
had THE camera I've had my eye on since Oct. on sale, so Monday, I wound
up buying my new Canon PowerShot A-60.

I'll update more in a bit and sending hugs to all,
Caroline


10 MONTHS POST-OP, MARCH 2004


~~~~~~3/02/04 Tuesday, 1:00 am - Weight 210 lbs (-157 lbs)
Well, the depression is finally beginning to lift thank goodness. I've
been keeping busy with my eBay listings and have been working on
clearing out my house of clutter in preparation for our move to PA. Alan
will be starting a new job with a local company to help in his
transition to PA, and I am relieved that he won't have to be traveling
60 miles each way to work any longer. He's committed himself to staying
here in CA through June, and between this and the house in PA coming
along so slowly, we'll remain in CA longer than we'd anticipated. I am
somewhat relieved about this as moving and leaving all my friends here
so soon is not something I am anticipating. Although I've been here in
CA for 7 years, it seems that only recently am I finding myself fitting
into CA life. A lot of this has everything to do with the surgery - from
meeting new friends, to being able to finally enjoy all that CA has to
offer by way of paths to walk and bike on, tennis courts in my condo
complex to play on, roller rinks for skating during wonderful adult
skating sessions, etc. Things have been falling together so so well, and
I am scared to uproot and move across the country. Yet, one of things
that will be wonderful in moving is to be closer to Nick, Korri, Mady,
Sue, Isa, and Gaynell who are still all in NY. Also, I do look forward
to the change in seasons. I keep telling myself that home is what one
makes, and I can recreate my home in PA. And of course, I can still keep
in touch with all my good friends out here in CA via phone, internet,
YahooGroups, OH, etc...

I had a bit of a bad experience at Starbucks a few weeks back. I'd
ordered a sugar-free and non-fat vanilla latte, and after 30 minutes of
drinking it, became extremely sick with severe cramping in my pouch. It
was so bad that I wound up having to call Dr. Haydacek (sp?) and he had
me take the hydrocordone (thank goodness I have 1/2 the bottle left) and
said that if the pain didn't go away in 30 minutes, I was to go to the
ER at Chapman Medical Center. It turns out that Starbucks put in the
regular sugared vanilla syrup - over 80 gms of sugar's worth :( I did
follow up with the store as well as Starbucks' corporate office and the
local district manager, and while the store's response left something to
be desired ("mistakes happen"), Starbucks' corporate office and the
district manager were very sympathetic to what happened and set to make
things right to ensure that this doesn't happen again to anyone else.
The district manager asked me to attend the next store managers' meeting
for her district, and I will be presenting a little about bariatric
surgery and why it is vital for staff to fill a customer's order right.
For anyone reading this who's had RNY, be sure that the staff are using
the "black pump" bottle (used to indicate sugar-free).

Well, off to sleep I go. I've been finding that if I don't get enough
sleep, my weight loss slows almost to a stop... Hope this finds everyone
well...


~~~~~~3/02/04 Tuesday, 9:00 pm - Weight 210 lbs (-157 lbs)
Hi everyone! This is an open invite to anyone in the Orange County/LA
(CA) area to join me in rollerskating at the Fountain Valley Skating Rink
this Friday from 10:00 a.m. - 12:00 Noon. Cost is $6.00 - Includes skate
rental.

Skate for fun and exercise! Free donuts and coffee for participating
skaters! (Adults only) (well you don't have to eat the donuts) It's
called Coffee Clutch Skating at the Fountain Valley Skating Rink,
located in Orange County, cross streets are Magnolia street and Warner
Ave. at 9105 Recreation Circle, Fountain Valley, CA 92708. For specific
directions, their phone number is 714-847-0022. This is such a great
place to meet, not crowded at all and the average skater's age is 50
plus. Plenty of places to sit if you get tired.

If you can't make it this Friday but would like to join me next time, I
am planning to go every Friday - same place, same time. *****Also, my
hubby, Alan, and I plan to go skating on Sunday evenings from 7:30 pm to
10 pm for their adult skating session, and again, everyone is welcome to
join me!!!

For those who like to play miniature golf, bat in batting cages, play
video games, etc., there is also a Boomers next door. There is also a
Starbucks near by :) Krista and I are looking into other rinks as well,
and we'll keep everyone posted if the Sunday night skate will change
weekends or times.


~~~~~~3/10/04 Wednesday, 1:00 pm - Weight 207 lbs (-160 lbs)
How does one REALLY know when one is at a weight that is reasonable for
her/him? How does one pick her/his "goal weight"? If you are like me,
you chose your goal weight based on "what the doctor said", "what the
weight chart said", "I used to weigh that 'when I was thin'", etc. Or
you may say "I want to be a size ___".

I've been saying I want to weigh 150 lbs even though my surgeon and "the
weight chart" agree that at 5'5" I should weigh 134 lbs. And in the back
of my mind I've secretly wished for that elusive 134 number on the
scale...

But that's just a number... Some number drawn from a hat so to say -
without any true rhyme or reason as to why I chose it. In reality, more
important than any number on the scale is a goal of being at a weight
that would allow me to be healthy, look good and feel great - being at a
weight that would not limit me in any way, shape or form in all the
things I want to be able to do in my life - things such as rollerskate,
swim, run, hike, horseback ride, be intimate with my hubby, etc... And
the truth of the matter is that even at 207 lbs, I can now do all of
these things. Even though I am still in a 16W in pants, my weight
doesn't prevent me from doing the things I want to do and it definately
no longer prevents me from doing the most basic of tasks such as drive
my car, shower, etc. as it once did when I was at my heaviest.

At 207 lbs, I learned yesterday that my body fat percentage has dropped
from 55% to 30% and that of the 160 lbs I've lost in the last 10 months,
only 27 of those lbs came from muscle. What's more, ALL 27 lbs of lost
muscle occured in the first 3 months after surgery, and since August, I
have steadily maintained a lean body weight of 143 lbs (I actually put
on 2 lbs of muscle since August). Assuming that I will continue to keep
my protein and exercise high and continue to maintain my lean body
weight, I will get to a healthy 21% body fat at 182 lbs - 32 lbs more
than my goal and 48 lbs more than my surgeon's goal for me...

So what IS my goal weight then? Assuming that I will continue to
maintain muscle as I've been doing the past 7 months, my goal weight
would be 180 lbs - only 27 lbs away... Figuring in plastic surgery
(which I am still praying for a miracle that I won't need it LOL), I can
safely assume that I will lose more weight (and more body fat). One
thing that is a great concern to me is that I don't want to have too low
of a body fat percentage as then I could be facing other medical
problems. This definately makes me rethink that pulled-from-the-hat goal
weight of 134 lbs... Even at 150 lbs, my body fat percentage would be
dangerously low...


~~~~~~3/15/04 Monday, 10:00 am - Weight 205 lbs (-162 lbs)
Right now I feel so bloated, gassy, swelling, etc. - yuck. Started my
period a couple of days ago and my weight which was down to 205 jumped
up a little to 207. This morning, I've sooooooo much to do. My friend,
Hector, is visiting from San Francisco and he's been helping me and Alan
make sense out of all our way out of control paperwork rg Alan's mom's
house, the 3 (hers, ours and home equity) morgages, the legal stuff rg
the house, our own paperwork - pills, taxes, etc., etc. etc. etc. etc.
It is always so so sooooo overwhelming to me. so much that last night I
wound up having to take 2 ativan just to calm my nerves so that I
wouldn't go into "automatic turtle hide mode" and could be present to
work. There is STILL so much to do and this will be my primary focus for
today and tomorrow morning. I looking forward to going to Starbucks at
1pm for the district management meeting to stress the importance of
getting an order right when it's said sugar free and/or non-fat, and/or
decaf. I am going to share a little of my story and hopefully it will go
ok.


~~~~~~3/24/04 Wednesday, 9:30 pm - Weight 203 lbs (-164 lbs)
Well, I went to pick up my one kitty and visited my new kitty (Miss
Slippers) who was spayed and front declawed today at the vets . While
there, I started thinking how the last time I was there holding a cat
was when my Mia died back in October. And what happened? I got VERY
dizzy, started having cold sweats feeling like I was going to faint and
then I blacked out. At first I thought I was dumping (though I didn't
eat anything that would have caused it), but when I spoke with my PCP,
she said it sounds like a vaso-vagal response. This would make sense as
it would explain the "mini" dizzy spells I've been having for the past
several years and the most recent increase in them (seem to occur most
with stress and/or flashbacks). I will be going in to see my PCP
tomorrow morning and she will be ordering another slew of tests just to
be on the safe side and rule out anemia, heart problems, etc. My
intuition tells me it is vaso-vagal syncope. I'll keep everyone posted
tomorrow as I learn more.


~~~~~~3/25/04 Thursday, 11:50 pm - Weight 202 lbs (-165 lbs)
Hi everyone :) Thank you so to all who expressed concern and asked about
the incident involving my blacking out yesterday. Here's the scoop from
my visit to my PCP today:

She did an EKG and my heart seems fine. My blood pressure was normal on
Monday (100/70) but today, my heart rate was on the slow side (only 50).
50 BPM isn't bad (assuming one isn't fainting) and low pulse is often
found in athletes, but I am far from an athlete and the fainting... well
that IS the problem... She had me go for new bloodwork to have my
thyroid checked (as well as my iron and B12 levels, glucose, CBC, etc.)
as as of Monday my thyroid seemed enlarged and this could be indicative
that my Hashimotos Thyroiditis is acting up again - which could explain
the lowered heart rate, fatigue and dizziness I've been experiencing and
even yesterday's passing out. If the dizziness continues, she will refer
me to a cardiologist and he/she would order a tilt-table test. She does
not think I was having a hypoglycemic attack or a Meniere's attack.

Her feeling is that the general dizziness and fatigue that I've been
experiencing is related to either low iron/anemia or thyroid problem
(Hashimotos) that contributes to a low heart rate. But for yesterday's
blacking out incident, she feels this was definately a vaso-vagal
response and was caused by strong emotions (I was at the vet's where I
took Mia after she died) egged on by my standing in one place for
awhile, squatting (to pet Miss Slippers, of course :), and possible
dehydration. My "gut" tells me her diagnosis of vaso-vagal syncope as
relates to the fainting is on target...

I did mention to her that it seems that more than a few of us in my
GastricBypass-PostOp YahooGroup have been experiencing dizziness, and
her comment was that the Vagus nerve (responsible for the Vaso-Vagal
response) is connected with the gastrointestinal system. Her feeling was
that it is possible that the changes in our GI tract due to WLS may
somehow have an affect on the Vagus nerve. This doesn't make a whole lot
of sense to me as the Vagus nerve is one of the 12 cranial nerves and
while it certainly has an affect on the GI system, how would the GI
system have an affect on it? Then again, there certainly DOES seem to be
a great number of us dealing with ongoing dizzy spells, so perhaps this
explanation is as good as any...

She also mentioned how I should be careful of massaging my neck as the
Vagus nerve goes through the neck and stimulation of it can cause the
blood vessels to dilate and cause one's heart rate to drop (which could
bring on the dizziness and fainting). I found this VERY interesting as
when I was a kid, during the more stressful times, I would rub my neck
to calm myself down and put myself to sleep... And I do still do this. I
never connected there being a physical reason that I do this...

I'll keep everyone posted as to how the labs go. It should take about a
week to have all the results back.


~~~~~~3/25/04 Saturday, 10:00 pm - Weight 202 lbs (-165 lbs)
These days, I am usually eating about 3/4 to 1 cup of food per meal.
There are times when I can eat a little more and there are times when I
can eat less. Today seems to be one of those days where I can eat a bit
with no problem at all and I feel like I've been grazing :( Here's what
I had today:
- Small mini Lender's bagel with 2 TBSP light cream cheese
- about 2 oz beef jerky
- 1/2 Strive peanut butter protein bar
- venti Starbucks SF/FF vanilla latte
- about 2 oz GenSoy chips (NOT a good thing for me to have around as
they are moderately high in carbs and not too high in protein
- 1/2 to 3/4 cup garlic chicken (steamed - from Pick Up Stix)
- water and hot tea

I feel like I've been grazing all day rather than eating planned meals.
At about 6 pm, I told myself "no more!". I used a teeth bleeching kit
(Rembrant 2 hour one) which made it so that I couldn't eat anything else
(believe me, I wanted to) and afterwards, I made some hot tea to drink.
I am still wanting to eat - Eggbeaters with cheese or some more GenSoy
chips sound good, but being that it is 9:20 pm, I refuse to give in to
my wants (not needs). I have a rule for myself that I will not eat
anything after 9 pm, and I am sticking to it. I need to get back on
track by doing a protein drink first thing in the am for breakfast, and
I need to stick to my 3 meals/2 small snacks a day rule.

I also have gotten in NO physical activity today, but Alan and I are
going to go out in just a moment for a little bit of rollerskating and
possible some tennis. Hoping this might take my mind off wanting to eat.
Between the GenSoy chips and the mini bagel this morning, the carbs are
probably driving my physical and head hunger...


~~~~~~3/30/04 Tuesday, 10:00 am - Weight 200 lbs (-167 lbs)
In my inperson support group, there is a member who regular talks about
how MO people are simply "pigs" who are "out of control" and "have no
willpower". How this makes my blood boil. This may have been her
situation but for many of us it was/is not. Speaking for myself, I was
truly addicted and my drug of choice was food. The motivation?
Dissociation, intended or not. I've tried explaining to her that I was
powerless over my addiction and that it wasn't something that even could
be controlled no matter how hard I tried, but she just doesn't get it...
Rather than acknowledge that her experience doesn't necessarily relate
to ALL MO people, she says we are using childhood abuse, etc. as an
excuse and that we are in denial - that really we are all just out of
control and with no willpower. Grrrrr... I can NOT control my addiction
but CAN control my recovery, and this is my focus...


11 MONTHS POST-OP, APRIL 2004


~~~~~~4/03/04 Saturday, 2:00 pm - Weight 199 lbs (-168 lbs)
This past week I went to the VitaminShoppe to pick up some of my VHT
Extreme Smoothies and found a few other great and not so great products.
First, for the not so great products, I was all excited to see Strive
making new flavors for the protein bars. Cookies and Cream! Sounds
great! Right? Not! Same goes for their Apple Cinnamon flavor. Yuck! What
a disappointment. I LOVE the Strive Chocolate Smores bars so assumed
these would be great but they weren't. Thank goodness I purchased them
at the VitaminShoppe because I was able to return all of the unused bars
for store credit.

For the good (um great!) products, Strive also came out with a Peanut
Butter (and chocolate) flavor bar and this is AWESOME! Even better than
the Strive Chocolate Smores in my opinion :) I'd originally purchased
only a couple for my hubby as he is a Reeses addict LOL, but it turns
out that I love them :) So now hubby will have to wrestle me for them!
LOL I am going to have to go back to the VitaminShoppe and pick up a
case of the Strive Peanut Butter bars.

Also another great product is the VHT Real Protein powder. Now, you are
all going to think I am off my rocker here, but here's how I came across
this product... While I was at the VitaminShoppe, I spotted a shelf
containing the Syntrax Nectar powders. I've been looking for their
newest Lemonade flavor so went over to the shelf looking for it. The
store has yet to carry the Lemonade flavor, but while I was standing in
that section, there was the greatest ice cream flavor type smell. And
low and behold, there was VHT Real Protein in chocolate and strawberry
flavors sitting just below the Nectar flavors. Now, I doubt the smell
was coming from the VHT Real Protein canisters as they are sealed, but
being that VHT makes the Extreme Smoothies which are by far my favorite
protein shakes/drinks, I was ecstatic to learn they make a powder form
of their shakes. I was a bit scared to try it thinking for sure that it
would be different than the Extreme Smoothies (why not just stick with
what I know is good), but (and here's where I seem crazy LOL) their
packaging of the Real Protein is just way too cool looking! Yes, VHT's
nice packaging pushed me over the edge to purchase this other product of
theirs! LOL I was still a bit skeptical, but knowing VitaminShoppes
return policy (you can return even an open product if you aren't fully
satisfied with it), I went ahead and purchased it. I got the VHT
Strawberry Real Protein, and..... it is terrific :) Not quite as good as
the VHT Extreme Smoothies (and with a slight gritty texture), but
probably one of the best, if not the best, powdered protein shakes I've
tried yet. (Well, perhaps not better than Nectar, but Nectar is a whole
different taste entirely being that it is more like a fruit drink.)

Oh, as a last not so good product, hubby came home last night with some
LeCarb homemade vanilla flavored ice cream. All I can say is gross...
I've heard many people swear by LeCarb, but personally found it very
nasty. If I am going to go off my food plan and eat any form of ice
cream, it may as well be worth it, and this definitely was not. Just my
experience of course...


~~~~~~4/10/04 Saturday, 2:00 pm - Weight 197 lbs (-170 lbs)
Just wanting to check in briefly :) I had a super busy (but good) day
yesterday, and today and tomorrow will be busy as well. Weight-wise, the
scale is fluctuating on the lower side and is heading towards 196 for a
total loss of 171 lbs so far. I am still enjoying my rollerskating and
yesterday bought my hubby a new pair of inlines for his birthday. We now
have matching inline skates and went skating out on a paved trail near
our home (see photo of us skating in my picturetrail under the WLS
Gratitude List).

I keep looking at this photo and can't believe it's me. I know I weigh
less than Alan, but when did I become smaller than him??? I still feel
far from small with all the excess skin and huge hips (what many refer
to as birthing hips)...

Rg the fainting episode 2 weeks ago and dizziness that continues, my
bloodwork came back normal (minus a just-under-normal potassium level)
and a still-positive ANA and elevated SED rate. My PCP didn't see
anything in the bloodwork that would lead to the dizziness/fainting and
feels that somehow, vaso-vagal tone may have been affected from having
RNY WLS which would explain this dizziness that I (and so many other
postops it seems) experience. She did note that my pulse rate is low (50
as opposed to the norm of 72) and my blood pressure, while normal, is
also in the low range (100/70). She has referred me to a cardiologist
for an evaluation and I will be seeing him this Wednesday. Chances are
he will order a tilt table test though I am unsure what this test will
offer (I only know it has something to do with checking for vaso-vagal
syncope). I'll be sure to keep everyone posted.

Miss Slippers, my new kitty is doing great though she sneezes a lot and
her one of her eyes is often "squinty" and this worries me. (What if she
has FIP?) Otherwise she seems very healthy and is super active - typical
kitten fare with her running around like the Tasmanian Devil, chasing
her tail, etc... She gets along with my other three kitties (well, Cocoa
doesn't get along with her), and she's been caught chasing them and them
her in a playful way. She sleeps with Alan and me nightly and is curled
up next to me as I type.

This coming week is going to be a tough one. Monday starts the trial for
the man who killed Alan's and my friend, Joe. For those who may not have
read my earlier posts, Joe lived in San Marcos, CA and was killed back
in August by an idiot street racing down Twin Oaks Valley road. Joe was
making a left turn from La Cienega when this man plowed through the red
light going 75 MPH into Joe's car. I've agreed to go down to San Diego
to be with Holly (Joe's wife) for the trial, and part of me wants to go
and be there, but another part of me feels that going will only make it
harder for me to cope. I have a big issue with the justice system (my
grandfather having been a police officer, the three men who raped and
killed Theresa back in '84 being released from prison this past June,
the NYSD fiasco, Joe's death, etc.), and attending the trial (which will
be in Vista, CA) will only stir everything up for me I am certain.

Like so many others I am sure, Alan and I are also hurrying up to finish
our taxes and this is also bringing up a lot of stress for both of us.
We're hoping that by the end of today, it will all be done. Then we only
have all the other several feet of paperwork to go through :( (still
with Alan's mom's house, medical bills, etc.).

Through all of this, I am hanging in though. I am looking forward to
giving my testimonial in my inperson WLS group (Coastal Center for
Obesity) on April 19th and am happy to be a volunteer for ObesityHelp
who's first conference will take place April 24th at one of the
Disneyland Resort hotels. I am looking forward to meeting many of those
who so far I've only gotten to know online.


~~~~~~4/17/04 Saturday, 1:00 pm - Weight 197 lbs (-170 lbs)
Well, guess who's back???? Thank you so Krista for keeping an eye on the
GastricBypass-PostOp YahooGroup in my absence, and I am sending hugs and
waves of hello to everyone :) While down in San Diego, I spent 3
evenings with Susan and can honestly say she is a doll! What a beautiful
person inside and out!

The week was a HARD one and I am sure I'll be recouping the next few
days. The verdict came back guilty of vehicular manslaughter with gross
negligence, and if there was any redeeming thing about this whole thing,
the 19 year-old man who killed my and hubby's best friend, Joe, was
immediately taken into custody and sent to jail without the chance to
say goodbye or get support from his family. The sentencing is set for
May 14th. Following the verdict reading, Holly (Joe's wife who I stayed
with to offer her support), myself and a coworker/friend of Joe's went
together to Twin Oak Valley Rd and La Cienega where the crash happened
and put up new flowers (silk so they will stay there) and a memorial
booklet from Joe's funeral on the median.

I am beyond drained - both physically and emotionally and am in pretty
bad pain right now hardly being able to move by head/neck forward or
back. My back is hurting, I have sciatica type pain going down my right
hip and thigh, a terrible headache and a sore throat (the latter
probably due to handing the old flowers/water that hubby and I'd put up
at the crash scene last August (you can imagine how molded, etc. they
were). Plus I am running a 100 degree temperature :(

I know it is going to take me a little time to catch up and I have tons
to do this coming weekend including preparing a PowerPoint presentation
rg my WLS journey thus far as I'll be giving my testimony to my inperson
group this Monday night. I've also tons of cleaning to catch up on as
hubby was busy with work all week. Thus, I may need to skim through the
group messages and my emails and start "fresh" with today's messages
onward, so please know that if I don't answer anyone directly, it is
nothing personal. I've missed everyone here so so very much and am
beyond glad to be back!

Sending hugs and smiles to all!
:) Caroline


~~~~~~4/18/04 Sunday, 2:00 pm - Weight 196 lbs (-171 lbs)
Having trouble focusing today as I am still feeling sick and in pain
with my neck and back. There's so much that I need to do in terms of
cleaning and I still need to finish my PowerPoint presentation for
tomorrow for when I give my testimonial. Hoping Mike remembers to bring
his projector...

Joe's Trial

In the games lawyers play
speeds, weight, averages
all the same an innocent man lays buried
mangled in his car now coffin

perhaps you were simply a nineteen year-old kid
having your joyride on a bright August day.
not contemplating consequences or facts
such as there's a time and place for hobbies

but you made your decision to race down that road
tread without looking crushing ants unseen
fives days flash forward, "I can't believe this happened"
but what did you expect?

no goodbyes, no I'm sorries, you left
two families in tears together yet alone
perhaps you will live the rest of your life
knowing the innocent life you stole

(c) 4/16/04, Caroline Ann Martin
 

~~~~~~4/19/04 Monday, 1:00 pm - Weight 193 lbs (-174 lbs)
Still hanging in and am so happy to say that the weight is dropping off
of me following a few weeks of losing hardly anything. I am eager to get
out of the 190's once and forall, as I don't ever want to be in the
200's (or 300's pushing 400) again. I am still fighting this cold and
neck pain but otherwise am doing ok. I spent most of yesterday and this
morning creating my Powerpoint presentation for my testimonial tonight
and am looking forward to tonight. I'm also getting excited about the OH
event in Anaheim this coming Sat :)


~~~~~~4/22/04 Thursday, 10:00 am - Weight 191 lbs (-176 lbs)
I just wanted to remind everyone that OH's Magic Event at Disneyland is
this Saturday (at the Paradise Pier Hotel at Disneyland Resort). I will
be there and hope to see as many of you as can make it! Here is a link
for the event's flyer: http://www.obesityhelp.com/anaheim2004

Also, a group of us is getting together Friday and Sunday and going to
Disneyland & Ca Adventure :) Both days, we will be meeting at 8:30am at
the big "O" in the CALIFORNIA sign in front of CA Adventure's gate
entrance. At 9am, we'll be entering the park as a group! Thanks for
spreading the word and hope to see you there!!!

Here's a run down of the schedule for Saturday:
(NOTE that registration has been moved up to 10:00am. There is still
time to register. Also a reminder to bring that $4.00 parking fee per
person. You will need to have it when you arrive at the registration
desk for the event. Registration at the door is $30.00 plus $4.00
parking fee. Raffle tickets will be available at $2.00 each or (3) for
$5.00. Come ready to have fun!)
**10:00 am until 11:00 am Open Registration.
[note: door price $30 plus $4.00 parking fee.]
**11:00 am until noon Session I "OH Visions" [room B]
**Noon - 1:00 p.m. Lunch served buffet style. [room B]
**12:15 - 1:00 "Lets do lunch" Getting to know each other open mic.
Bo McCoy
Nikki Mayer
Lynnda Purcell
Special Guest & others!
**1:00 - 2:00 p.m. Session II [room B]
Dr. Jacques "Vitamins and nutrition for post operative patients"
Dr. Katzen "Plastic surgery for post operative patients"
Monica Ganz, PHD. "Post-op life changes and mentality"
**2:00 - 2:15 p.m. Break
**2:15 - 3:00 Session III "The Doctor is in... Panel Discussion" [room
CD] Bariatric surgeon panel open Q&A [Please have 3 questions ready for this!]
**3:00 - 4:00 Session IV "OH Chapters Regional Discussion Groups" [room B]
**4:00 - 4:45 p.m. Session V Give-a-ways and sponsor recognition. [room B]
**4:45 - 5:00 p.m. Break
**5:00 - 8:30 p.m. Casino Party [room AB]


~~~~~~4/23/04 Friday, 10:00 am - Weight 190 lbs (-177 lbs)
Hmmmmm.... wonder how much longer this 1 lb a day weight loss will go
for? It feels great to see the numbers coming down more and more, get
I'm trying not to get carried away by the excitement as I know this
won't last a long time or even much longer. Alan and I will be visiting
PA the first week of May and then AZ the second week of May and it never
fails that whenever I travel anywhere and go even slightly off of my
meal plan, my weight loss comes to a halt. But keeping my fingers
crossed anyway :)

I am still really sick with this darn cold. I can't seem to stop
coughing and have been loading up on the meds my PCP prescribed. Praying
this doesn't turn into bronchitis, but scared that it may already have
done so.

Sadly, I have to stay home today and not go to Disneyland with the OH
group that is there today. I just don't feel up to doing to much, don't
want to get anyone else sick, and need to be as well as I can be for
tomorrow and Sunday. I am so looking forward to this entire weekend and
so hope I will be feeling better in preparation for it!


~~~~~~4/27/04 Monday, 11:00 am - Weight 189 lbs (-178 lbs)
If everyone hasn't figured it out already by my posts in the CA message
boards and the GastricBypass-PostOp YahooGroup, I am back from the OH
Event at Disneyland!!!! What an incredible weekend!!!!

Saturday morning I arrived to the Paradise Pier hotel and met with
Lynnda S and Susan Maria (of BariatricEating.com) for breakfast.
Following this, we helped the OH staff along with other volunteers in
setting up the room and making it nice and festiv for the conference.
The conference was great - lots of wonderful info as was expected and a
beyond wonderful opportunity to meet so many awesome people in our group
and on OH's CA forum message board!!!

Rechelle, Susan Costa, Michelle, Tim, Barbara (from Coastal), Valerie
(waving hi to Valerie who hopefully won't be lurking much longer!!!) and
I all got to meet and spend some quality time together. We danced,
played some games at Casino night, did lots of chatting, etc. and had a
great time! Rechelle tried teaching me to dance (LOL) and Susan and her
worked up a sweat! They are AWESOME dancers unlike me!

Cynthia (another terrific OH volunteer) and I met with several others
about starting up the OH Orange County Chapter and will be in touch soon
with everyone to get the Chapter meetings on a roll! I am really excited
about being a part of the start up of the Chapter as there is so much we
can do together as a group and so many others we can reach out to!

I finally got my photo taken with Dr. Hajduzek (my surgeon) of Coastal
Obesity and am amazed that I am smaller than him size-wize now. When did
this happen??? I also met Tina of Coastal who is beyond sweet and
knowledgeable - even more than she lets on in her posts to the CCWLS
list - and Gabe and Valerie were there as well and it's always wonderful
to see them. They are both such incredible inspirations!

Of course I took lots of photos and can't wait to go through them later
today and tomorrow and get them up online! Just from a quick purusal
(sp?) through them last night/this morning when I got home, they came
out great :)

After the OH event, Susan, Rechelle, Michelle, Tim and I went to Mimi's
Cafe and had the worst service, but a great dinner :) It is always nice
to spend quality time with such great people.

It was so nice of Susan to share her room with Rechelle and me! We had a
calm and uneventful night, Susan read outloud some of the first
principle text from her OA book, and it all hit home to say the least.
We got in some needed sleep (though not much) to prepare us for Sunday.

Sunday morning we woke early, readied ourselves for the day, found a
Starbucks (but of course!) and then hurried over to Disneyland. We
arrived at about 8am, and soon after getting my park hopper pass, I lost
my ticket. (what is with me and losing tickets????? I did this at the OH
event too - gosh I can be SOOOOOOO absent minded sometimes!)

We met with a few other OH members, but stupid me needing to get a new
pass, had to venture away from them to get a new pass. Rechelle and
Susan went with me to the Disneyland entrance gates for the pass and by
the time we got back over to our meeting place, the big "O" (just before
9 am), we lost the others. I so hope they don't think we bailed on them!
I was really disappointed not to be able to spend the day with Laura M.,
Kristen, Julie, and a few others from the OH CA board :(

After waiting a bit at the "O" Susan, Rechelle and me decided to go into
Disneyland and hit some rides, hoping that we'd meet up with the rest of
the group (but we never did find them :(, though we did keep running
into Valerie (a super sweet lurker in the postop group from Sedona, AZ)
:) We rode more than a few rides, walked lots, went to lunch, fed a
mommy duck and her babies some potato chips and bread we didn't eat, and
later met up with Tim.

Susan had to leave in the late afternoon and missed the excitement of
the rest of the night (and got out of riding the CA Screaming coaster
LOL - you're "homework" my dear is to return with us sometime soon and
ride with us ;). Rechelle and I had a blast (pun intended) on the
coaster having gone on it 3 times in a row (twice in the first car and
once in the last car), and screamed our heads off even though it wasn't
scary - just tons of fun). Tim was a dear and took photos and later
taught me a little about using my camera. (he's an awesome photographer
and really knows his stuff to say the least!!!!) It would have been
great had he been able to go on the coaster with us, but being only 2
1/2 weeks postop, we all agreed that he'd be best foregoing the ride so
soon out from surgery. Definitely next time though!!! (he did make it on
the other rides with us :)

Later we ventured back over to Disneyland for a late dinner (finding
legal food in Disneyland/CA Adventure is a venture in and of itself) and
settled on a restaurant pretty close to the Fantasmic (sp?) show. We
walked around some more, went on a few more rides, did some more
shopping, got some more coffee, and left as the park was closing down.

It was an awesome day and an awesome weekend spent with awesome
people... I do wish I'd felt better and didn't have a cold, but I was
fine despite it thank to lots of Dayquil (sp?) LOL I also lost my
pedometer (now that I can wear jeans, I have to start using my safety
cord with my pedometer) so don't know how much we all walked yesterday,
but my guess is that we walked at least 11 or 12 miles (and expended a
lot of calories!). Tim was amazing being only 2 1/2 weeks postop and
able to keep up with us for nearly 10 hours!!!!!

I am sore and exhausted and my cough is back, but happy as a clam having
had a wonderful weekend :)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

At long last, I was able to go through all my photos from this weekend's
fantastic OH event at Disneyland Resort! I've uploaded them to my
picturetrail at http://picturetrail.com/carolineam. Click on the WLS
Events & Friends folder and then scroll down to the last 150 or so
photos. I will be arranging them and labeling them in the next few days,
but in the meantime, wanted to get them up for everyone to see! If
there's a photo you want, just right click you mouse and "save as".


1 YEAR POST-OP, MAY 2004


~~~~~~5/3/04 Monday, 10:00 am - Weight 183 lbs (-184 lbs)
Alan and I arrived into Philadelphia late Saturday night for Alan to
attend work-related training and for both of us to follow up on his
mom's house. Sunday, we spent time with Alan's brother (who's
schizophrenic and institutionalized) as well as spent time at the house.
All I can say is EEKS! The amount of work that the house needs is beyond
amazing... I don't think there is one thing in it that doesn't need
replacing or repairing... Even so, it will be a charming little cottage
when all is said and done, and we think we are going to enjoy being
there. Even though it's been raining and cold today (and super humid
yesterday), it's such a beautiful area.

Today, Alan went to his training and I stayed at the hotel still
fighting this darn cold/flu (while it was improving greatly, it got a
LOT worse on the flight to PA). I slept most of the day, then in the
early evening, Alan and I met with the restoration company to go over
particulars rg the house. I will be going to the house again tomorrow to
go over more specifics and make some final decisions about the floor
plan, colors, flooring, etc. By the time we leave on Sunday morning, the
restoration company and us should have a clear idea as to what work
needs to be completed so that we can move out here within the next few
months (as early as 3 months away assuming there aren't any more
surprises or holdups).

I've no clue what my weight is doing right now and it's driving me nuts
LOL... I REALLY want to know what's going on with it. All I know is that
last week at the OH event at Disneyland, I was fitting into a tight 16
jeans. Now those jeans are WAY too big and the size 12 jeans that I'd
purchased are fitting great...

I did start my "monthly" yesterday (what a great happy re-birthday
present! Grrrrrr.... LOL), and I've no doubt that my weight loss will
slow for awhile now. Though it would be great if it didn't, I beyond
lucked out with a 16 lb drop in the 2 weeks prior to my 1 year postop
anniversary.


~~~~~~5/17/04 Monday, 11:45 pm - Weight 183 lbs (-184 lbs)
Now, if I could only see the weight loss... I wrote the following poem
this past Saturday following Alan's and my returning from AZ. Even
though I haven't lost anything for 2 weeks and did gain a lb or two in
water weight during my trips to PA and AZ, I felt like I gained at least
20 lbs. I had to try on my size 12 jeans again just to assure myself
that I didn't gain weight back. This poem deals with the issue of having
a hard time seeing myself as getting thinner. So many have been
commenting that I am getting "tiny", but most days it is hard for me to
see this...

Body Image Distorted

Throughout the years
Soul full of tears
Brown eyes gazed
Upon a body neglected

Numbers denied
Shame hidden from truth
Never felt seen
Her body rejected

But in one year
Pounds melted away
Normality glimpsed
A body accepted

Yet still contemplating
Not understanding
Still hidden within
Self image distorted

© 5/15/04, Caroline Ann Martin


~~~~~~5/18/04 Tuesday, 9:00 pm - Weight 183 lbs (-184 lbs)
Despite my house being a disaster area (still needing to unpack from
Alan's and my travels from the past two weeks), today was a good day. I
went to see Dr. Hajduczek this afternoon for my 1 year follow up
appointment and I am only 2 lbs away from an ideal body fat percentage
(currently 21.9%) and only 20 to 30 lbs away from what he feels would be
a good weight for me.

While my excess skin is definitely an issue, he feels that given my age
(35 years old), I should wait another year before opting for
reconstructive surgery as the skin may still bounce back some. I am not
so certain about this, however, as the excess skin is pretty bad. While
it may bounce back some, I highly doubt the excess on my thighs and
belly will bounce back nearly enough so that they'd be considered at
least within normal limits. Right now shorts, any skirt above my knees,
a bathing suit (though I DO wear one as I love swimming), etc. are out.
More importantly, I've been dealing with rashes, back pain, not fitting
into clothing, etc. as relates to the skin. I so want it gone... At the
same time, I am really scared about plastic/reconstructive surgery (no
doubt I'd be looking at a full body lift, inner thigh lift and breast
lift), and if I can avoid it, I would really prefer this. Similarly, I
am worried about losing more weight, getting down to my goal weight and
then finding that when I have reconstructive surgery, I am too thin. I
am thinking of contacting Dr. Katzen to follow up with a PS evaluation
to get his input on all of this.

Also discussed was the fact that I am still dealing with the dizziness
and feeling as though I am going to pass out. I will be following up
with my PCP for the cardiologist referal, and Dr. Hajduczek encouraged
me to follow up with my endocrinologist as well (given my prior
diagnosis of Hashimotos Thyroiditis).

After I got home, I again went through my closet emptying it of all the
clothing that no longer fits. My pile of clothing to list on eBay is
ever growing and has completely taken over my dining room at this point.
If you are reading this and are an early out postop and/or with lots of
weight to lose still, I so so recommend that you do not go crazy with
shopping for clothing until you've reached goal. Even then, don't assume
that your goal will be where your weight loss will stop. When I got into
the Misses XL size, I went a little "nutty" filling my closet with
expensive clothing in size large and XL. I never imagined that I would
get much smaller so assumed that it was safe to do some shopping (which
I needed to do as I had nothing to wear). Granted, most of the shopping
was via eBay, Ross, and the like, but I collected more than I needed.
And of course, not even a couple months (in some cases weeks) later, all
of those clothing are now in the "to list on eBay pile".

Hmmmm... if anyone is local to me and would like to see the clothing
I'll be eventually listing, feel free to let me know. I have pretty much
the gamut of sizes from size Misses Large all the way up to Women's 4X
with the great majority of clothing being XL, 1X, 2X and 3X. Likewise, I
have tons of shoes, sneakers, hiking boots, sandles, etc. If money
weren't an issue, I would just donate it all, but unfortunately money is
an issue and most of the clothing/shoes are pretty high end clothing
(Elizabeth Claiborne, Jones NY, Columbia, Merrell, Teva, etc.). While I
AM selling it, I don't plan to sell it for much (I'd sell it for MUCH
less than what I could get for it on eBay) - just enough to recoup some
of my costs.


~~~~~~5/19/04 Wednesday, 1:30 am - Weight 183 lbs (-184 lbs)
Speaking of clothing, a word of advice - keep trying on those clothes
hidden in the back of your closet that you hope to "someday" wear when
you are thinner... And the moment they fit, wear them. It won't be long
before you shrink out of them and then they will go either back in the
closet, get donated, sold, etc.

I honestly thought that I would continue to wear my favorite clothing
down to my goal weight. I thought I could just wear the clothing fitting
big..... Well, about the ONLY thing I can do with my plus size clothing
now is wear it as PJ's - VERY large PJ's as I look ludicrous in my old
clothing.... See the above photo of me in my preop clothing (the ONLY
outfit I could fit into for the months prior to my surgery - a SUPER
stretched out 4X Tshirt and an even more stretched out pair of 4X capri
pants). Wouldn't you agree that I look pretty ludicrous in them now? LOL
Just tonight, when I went through my closet again, I FINALLY started
parting with my 2X and 3X favorites. I am keeping only 1 sweater which
is a size 3X which was always my favorite sweater (even though I
couldn't fit into it past 300 lbs) which is the sweater I was wearing
when my hubby proposed to me 7 years ago.
 

~~~~~~5/20/04 Thursday, 6:00 pm - Weight 181 lbs (-186 lbs)
Congratulations to my dear sweet hubby!!! Alan is now back into the
ONEderfuls, himself!!! I am so so happy for him :) Not only does he look
better, but MUCH more importantly, I fear less for his health. While
Alan has never been morbidly obese, he was about 30 lbs more than he
should have been, and given that he carries 99% of his excess weight in
his belly, I've been worried about him. When I had my surgery a year
ago, he was weighing his all time high of 218 lbs. Today, he is back
down to 199 lbs :) Yay Alan!!!!!! I love you sweetie!!!!!!


~~~~~~5/21/04 Friday, 11:45 pm - Weight 179 lbs (-188 lbs)
OMG!!! What an awesome feeling it is to have lost 188 lbs, 160 inches,
and fitting into a SIZE 10 JEANS!!!!! Granted, these have some stretch
in them so I am still really a size 12, but gosh, a 10... Down from a
7X.... Wow... More than the numbers, tonight I learned that I can run,
TRULY run now. Not a slow jog, but a full speed run!!! I am so so
enjoying my body once again. As Belleruth Naparstek says in her "Weight
Loss" imagery CD, I can appreciate my body for having been there for me
despite my not treating it well (perhaps I blamed it for all the years
of abuse when I was a child), and now it is time to take care of it... I
am also finally seeing myself as getting thinner. While there are still
times I see myself as very fat, I realize now that this is just my own
distorted body image due to the super fast weight loss, and it isn't
reality...
 

~~~~~~5/25/04 Thursday, 1:00 pm - Weight 178 lbs (-189 lbs)
WLS Special Events In & Around Orange County, CA... May & June

Wednesday, May 26th, 6:30 pm to 8:00 pm - First Obesity Help Orange
County Chapter meeting at OH's Irvine Office at the Irvine Spectrum
(8001 Irvine Center Drive in Irvine). Exit at Alton off the 5 Fwy and
head West to the Quest Software building. Make left at Gateway and then
a right into the parking lot. We will be introducing each other,
deciding on how often the meetings should take place, and Caroline
Martin will be sharing her WLS journey thus far as well as sharing WLS
related tips.

Friday, May 28th (and every Friday), 10 am to 12 pm – Rollerskating at
the Fountain Valley Roller Rink (405 to Magnolia exit. The rink is next
to Boomers and near Sportsmart. The cost is $6.00 and includes skate
rental. This is an adult skate and most of the “regulars” are older
people who have been or are competitive skaters. The music isn’t great,
but this is a wonderful opportunity to learn how to skate or improve
your skills.

Saturday, May 29th, 11:30 am - SoCal WLS Get-together at Trophys
Restaurant in San Diego. Directions: 805 South to 163 South, exit Friars
Road, go East. On right side look for Double Tree Hotel and shopping
complex with Barnes and Noble. Email Lynnda S. for more info.

Sunday, May 30th, Morning hike & Afternoon Lunch in Foothill Ranch,
Orange County
**10:00 am to 12:00 pm - Hike at Whiting Ranch off of Portola (North of
Bake and just South of Alton). Directions: 241 toll road, exit Alton, go
East to Portola and turn into the Ralph’s parking lot which will be on
the left side. You can also take the 405 or 5 Fwy, exit at Bake, head
East about 5 or 6 miles, make a left on Portola and turn into the
Ralph’s Parking Lot on the Right. -- The entrance to Whiting is just
North of the Ralph’s parking lot. Please arrive a little early as we
will be starting our hike at 10 am.
**1:00 pm – Lunch at Chili's in Foothill Ranch (Just across the street
from the Whiting Ranch entrance). See directions above but instead of
turning into the Ralphs parking lot, you will be heading towards Target
across the street.)
** Following Chili's - Clothing at Caroline's. I’ve TONS of Size Misses
Large through 4X and Size 9 to 10 shoes/boots/etc. that I need to clear
my dining room of. Some give aways, some sold (especially the Liz
Claiborne, DisneyStore, Merrell, Teva, etc.) but for VERY low prices.
Anyone interested is welcomed to come by my home for a look.

Saturday, June 5th – Get-together at Donna’s house in Long Beach –
please see the ObesityHelp.com CA State Message Board for more info.

Saturday, June 12th, 11:30 am - SoCal WLS Get-together at the Maya Inn
in Mission Viejo. Thank you, Patty Rex and family for allowing us to all
meet at your wonderful restaurant!!!! Directions: 5 Fwy, exit at Alicia
Pkwy (just South of El Toro Rd). Head East to Jeronimo. Make a left
heading North and then turn right into the shopping complex just before
Los Alisos. The Maya Inn is in the corner of the SE shopping complex at
Jeronimo and Los Alisos.

Friday, June 18th, 8:00 am to ??? - Disneyland/CA Adventure. We'll all
be meeting at the big "O" in the CALIFORNIA in front of the gates of CA
Adventure from 7:30 am to 8:30 am. Please be sure to arrive no later
than 8:30 am as once we enter the park, it will be easy to lose each
other.


~~~~~~5/25/04 Tuesday, 11:50 pm - Weight 178 lbs (-189 lbs)
Well, it's been a LONG day and night!!!! I am proud of myself as I got a
bit accomplished today. At Lynnda S's recommendation, I even made it to
Victoria's Secret to be fitted for a bra. Well, the bad news is that I
am still in a much larger size cup bra then I'd hoped. The staff person
at Victoria's Secret says I am a 36 DDD but the largest size Victoria's
Secret goes up to is a DD. So I headed to Sears, JC Penny's and then
Macy's in search for DDD's, and of the few that I found, NONE of them
came even close to fitting :( And the 36 back was too big. So I think I
am right in that I am still somewhere between a 34 H and 34 J :( So back
to JC Penny's catalog which is the only place that I can find my size...
Having only 1 bra that I can fit into is getting old....

On a positive note, I dropped off one of my rings for resizing (into a 3
1/2!), and following the mall, I went to the gym and for the first time
ever, I participated in one of the classes at the gym. I did yoga for an
hour [I was able to do most everything without stopping including some
regular push ups! (Boy was I amazed! LOL)], followed by 10 minutes on an
elliptical machine, 5 minutes walking/running on a treadmill (at a 4.5
to 5 MPH pace), weights for an hour, and then swimming laps (freestyle)
for 15 minutes. I got home at about 11:30 pm, and boy am I ever wiped
out! (but in a good way :)

Well, I am off to sleep, but I so look forward to seeing everyone who'll
be attending the first ObesityHelp Orange County Chapter support group
meeting tomorrow night (see above post)!


~~~~~~5/31/04 Monday, 1:00 pm - Weight 177 lbs (-190 lbs)
What a FUN weekend!!!!!! Here's the next events I'm looking forward
to!!!

June & July WLS Events in Orange County, CA - ALL INVITED!!!!

Saturday, June 12th, 11:30 am - SoCal WLS Get-together at the Maya Inn
in Mission Viejo. Thank you, Patty Rex and family for allowing us to all
meet at your wonderful restaurant!!!! Directions: 5 Fwy, exit at Alicia
Pkwy (just South of El Toro Rd). Head East to Jeronimo. Make a left
heading North and then turn right into the shopping complex just before
Los Alisos. The Maya Inn is in the corner of the SE shopping complex at
Jeronimo and Los Alisos. For those in Riverside or San Bernadino, you
can take the 91 Fwy to the 241 Tollroad, go South about 18 miles and
exit at Los Alisos. Head West to Jeronimo. Following the luncheon,
anyone who might like to go for a walk or shopping at the Irvine
Spectrum is welcomed to join in!!!

Friday, June 18th, 8:00 am to ??? - Disneyland/CA Adventure. We'll all
be meeting at the big "O" in the CALIFORNIA in front of the gates of CA
Adventure from 8:00 am to 8:30 am. Please be sure to arrive no later
than 8:30 am as once we enter the park (at 9am), it will be easy to lose
each other. Also, if you can wear a red top (or hat) that day, this
would be great as it will help us identify each other! If you plan to go
but will arrive late, feel free to email me and I can give you my cell
phone number so that we could meet up in the park!

Saturday, July 17th - 9:00 am to ???? - Hike/walk in Bolsa Chica
Wetlands in Huntington Beach (awesome bird watching and flat terrain!!!)
followed by fun at the beach :) Please plan to arrive early (8:30'ish)
so that we can start our hike at 9:00, and remember to bring sunscreen,
comfortable walking/running shoes, and a beach towel/blanket along with
binoculars and camera if you have them! Directions: 405 Fwy to 22 Fwy
East to Bolsa Chica exit which comes up immediately. Take Bolsa Chica
south to Warner and head west (make right). Take to Pacific Coast Hwy
and make left (going south). Make left at the light into the Bolsa Chica
Wetlands. We'll be meeting on the bridge. Following the hike/walk, all
who'd like to can head over to Huntington Beach!!!

Cynthia or I will be sure to post info about the next OH Orange County
support group meeting soon!!!!!! We are thinking of the first Wednesday
of each month starting in July! 6:00 pm to 8:00 pm at the OH Office by
the Irvine Spectrum (Quest Software Building). Following the meetings,
all are welcomed to join us for some coffee at the Coffee Bean in the
Irvine Spectrum.

Hope this finds everyone well and to see you at some of these
sure-to-be-fun events!!!!


13 MONTHS POST-OP, JUNE 2004


~~~~~~6/3/04 Thursday, 2:00 am - Weight 175 lbs (-192 lbs)
Eeks.... In my postop group, some of the women are talking about bras
and which ones give the best shape. Just the topic that's been on my
mind LOL.... I will write more tomorrow (when I am more awake LOL), but
basically, I am having some MAJOR sagging going on :(

Clothing certainly hides a lot and yes, finding a good sized fitting bra
is paramount. It isn't only the style of bra but the fit as well. Here's
how to get your bra size - while wearing your best fitting bra, measure
your back (where the bra band would go around) and your widest point of
your breasts/back. If your back measurement is an even #, add 4 to get
the back size. If an odd number, add 5 to get the back size. Then for
the cup size, subtract your back measurement from your breast
measurement. 1" difference = A cup, 2" = b, 3" = C, 4" = D, 5" = DD, 6"
= DDD (or F with the exception of Goddess bras which skip a number), 7"
= G, 8" = H, 9" = I, 10" = J. Having had large breasts my entire life, I
recommend Glamorise bras over any other. There "magic lift" line is
excellent and the bras are extremely well made and comfortable.

Yesterday, I went to the PS consult with Dr. Katzen (I'll write more
tomorrow about it), and was told that my 34J breasts, will turn into at
best an A cup after being lifted, and that I will need implants.... :(
Huh???? Me, needing implants??????!!!!! But seriously, I am having a
hard time with this... I DO NOT want implants... But I don't think I
could handle losing my breasts and requiring implants.... Hell, perhaps
I'll just save myself all the pain and expense of PS for my breasts and
let them continue to sag... Hey, they look good in clothing at least,
right??? Grrrrr....


~~~~~~6/5/04 Saturday, 2:00 pm - Weight 175 lbs (-192 lbs)
In my GastricBypass-PostOp YahooGroup, one woman was talking about how
she finally feels normal given that she's wearing a size 6 pants
followed by the "fact" that she is still not small given the excess skin
on her arms. Some have chimed in that she must be small given the size
6, and she is very quick to correct people saying she is not small.
Needless to say, this has stirred up a bit for me once again, and the
following is my response to her that I'd posted in the postop group:

I think this is exactly what it is about - body image add distortion...
A size 6 is considered small even by normal standards. So is a size 8.
The average size for an adult woman is a size 12 which is a large. Yes,
excess skin can definitely make a difference in terms of the size
clothing we wear, and we need to take this into consideration when
talking sizes. If one has a problem with excess skin, further weight
loss is going to do little to help with that problem. If anything the
excess skin issue will just be worse.

For me, the excess skin makes how I see myself even less realistic. Some
days I can't see past the skin and feel huge (which I am not). Other
days, I can see right past the excess skin and feel like I am getting
tiny (which others are telling me that I am getting though I wonder if
they aren't just being nice LOL). But I can look at others who are
wearing similar sizes to me and they look terrific so I realize that
it's all just this whole darn body image distortion thing going on...

Size and what not is really all relative. Our brains definitely have a
way of protecting ourselves as well. When I was 370 lbs, I'd have gone
through surgery and all just to reach 250 lbs and stay there the rest of
my life. I couldn't understand why anyone with a low BMI would opt for
surgery as I (emphasis on "I") could have lived my life at 250 lbs. Yes,
I'd have still been heavy and worn plus size clothing (1X and 2X), but I
could do most things I wanted to without concern about my weight (such
as fit in my car, fit in a bathtub, wipe (yes, exactly), be able to
rollover in my sleep, ride a bike, walk a 5K, etc...)

Now, having passed that 250 mark which I'd considered thin for so long,
I see those 1X clothing and think "who was I kidding"? Those clothing
are HUGE... Which I guess means that I was still very big, too, right?
Maybe I was, maybe I wasn't.... Perhaps my head is still confused about
what constitutes a "normal" size...

When it comes down to it, for me "normal" means that we can "fit into"
the world around us and not attract those feared looks of disdain from
others. It means that we can walk down the street and hear a comment
such as "look at those nice shoes she's wearing!" as opposed to "look at
how fat she is!," etc. In this regard and with body image distortion
aside, I AM normal these days...

:) Caroline (who now wears a Misses Small top and Misses 12 pants and
considers herself normal if not getting small)
Lap RNY 5/2/03
367/175/150
 

~~~~~~6/9/04 Wednesday, 11:30 am - Weight 174 lbs (-193 lbs)
My sleepy head is finally out of bed from a LOOONNNNGGGG (but fun) day
yesterday I got home at about 11:30pm, just in time to catch the Jay
Leno/Late Show (I knew there's a reason I don't watch those shows - I so
don't enjoy them...) so that I could see Carnie (of course, she and
Wilson Philips were the last to be seen on the show).

Needless to say, to me, Carnie DID look quite heavier, as though she'd
gained at least 40 or 50 lbs in the Jay Leno show. If I had only seen
her on that show and in the tabloids, my guess would be that she is
wearing a size 14 or 16 pants/top.

But having seen here earlier at the meeting that took place in San Diego
(which she came to immediately following the taping for the Jay Leno
show and wearing the exact same outfit), I can tell you all (and no
doubt Susan, Robyn and most everyone else there would agree), there is
no way in h^ll that she's gained as much as the tabloids are saying
she's gained. 10 lbs? Yes, perhaps even a tiny bit more, but
not much more.

Carnie says that she was in a size 6 and now a size 8. I am a size 10
(in jeans) and my guess is that she is little smaller than me on bottoms
so this would make perfect sense. I am going through the photos now and
will have them up in my picturetrail under "Even More WLS Events &
Friends" in just a bit

I had SUCH a wonderful time with Susan, Lynnda, and Stacie! It was
GREAT seeing you all!!!!! And a special wave hello to Barbara H!!!! How
WONDERFUL it was to finally meet you in person!!!!!


~~~~~~6/11/04 Friday, 3:30 am - Weight 174 lbs (-193 lbs)
I will update more soon but what a wonderful day it was seeing George,
my SHHH / Hard of Hearing friend who was the person who encouraged me to
check into gastric bypass surgery to begin with...


~~~~~~6/23/04 Wednesday, 1:00 pm - Weight 170 lbs (-197 lbs)
In my GastricBypass-PostOp group, there is currently a thread going on
about being concerned for one's kids following in one's footsteps with
the obesity. I responded that even though Alan and I don't have kids
yet, my feeling is that for myself, as much as genetics play a role, the
environment in which I grew up played even more of a role. The coping
skills modeled for me all had to do with avoidance, and avoided I did.
There was much to be avoided afterall... Here's some of what I wrote
copied and pasted:

You worded this so so wonderfully, and my feeling is that the emotional
is probably just as important as the physical part. I also think that by
modeling good behavior, kids will follow in that effort :)

Aside from the abuse that was going on when I was a kid, my dad (who is
still over 300 lbs) always ate compulsively (to "get away" from my mom).
He'd come home from work and sit in front of the TV for hours on end
eating until he fell asleep. And my mom was always on some diet. She did
weight watchers for years and dragged me to every darn meeting, and then
after the meetings, we'd go to Carvel for ice cream... Go figure... But
mom could gain and lose weight as fast as you could say diet. She'd lose
100 lbs in 6 months, and then gain it back just as fast. She was thin
when I was very young and then started gaining weight probably due to
medications to treat her depression (and psychosis). Later she became
anorexic reaching an all time low of about 90 lbs (she's about 5'10" so
you can imagine how thin she was). I remember being in 8th grade and
coming home to find her convulsing on our kitchen floor...

Even now, the first question always asked whenever I speak to anyone on
my mom's side of the family is "how much have you lost?" (everyone is
always on a diet.) And ironically, food was truly relished on my mom's
side of the family as though it was not the food that had to do with one
having a weight problem.

When I look back on my childhood, many of the good memories I have all
involve food (it was the way I felt cared for). When I lived with my
grandparents (off and on from age 5 to 11), every Saturday night, we'd
go swimming and then home to watch Love Boat and Fantasy Island with big
bowls of ice cream. Further more, just like the three bears, grandpa
would have the biggest bowl, grandma would have the middle size bowl,
and I'd get the baby bowl (and spoon). Grandma would also make foods
especially for me (like the mashed potatoes with carrots or corn) or
butter and jelly toast. I always had a special side dish made just for
me because grandma knew I loved these. So I felt cared for (via food)
even when grandpa was sexually abusing me...

On my immediate family's side, Dad would beat the cr^ap out of me, some
neighbor would call the police, I'd run into my room and hide, and then
dad would coax me out by making a peace offering with ice cream. He'd
come into my room with the sad look on his face (but with a smile saying
"sorry") and say gently, "so do you want cherry vanilla or butter
pecan?" We'd then go into the living room and camp out watching TV with
our bowls of ice cream. And mom would always make sure I had money for
Mr Softee (ice cream man/truck) or the Good Humor truck even if it meant
stealing from my dad's piggy bank...

Oh the attachments one can make to food...

And in my response to a response to the above:
Ah, and in there lays the catch.... LOL For years, "moving on" from the
past meant avoiding the past and food was a way to do that. But one
can't run from the past but only walk through it while learning
healthier coping skills :) Some days are easier than others, and
sometimes I still find myself feeling swallowed (no pun intended) by
flashbacks, etc. I am really good at dealing with stress up to a point.
And when I reach that point, I just freeze and become stuck. It's
knowing how to get unstuck that is the hardest part for me.

The "hero" in my family was my great grandma on my mom's side (Grandma
Gertie) who was a wonderful "parent" to me. Unfortunately she died when
I was about 8 or so so I didn't get to have her protective influence too
long. Grandma Gertie was an alcoholic who became sober before I was
born. My family was always so proud to talk about Grandma Gertie getting
sober for over 30 years all the while working in a neighborhood liquor
store. I guess it was a testiment to the "willpower" gene we all shared.
LOL Personally, I don't see that as willpower but rather as stupidity.
LOL I know that in dealing with my own addictions, environmental control
is 1/2 the battle... (especially when willpower runs thin.) LOL

LOL about the Mister Softee :) Yup, from New York - East Rockaway, Long
Island to be exact. I grew up in an area called Bay Park and the street
I lived on was a 1 mile road next to the canal across the street from us
that dead ended at a small beach. So every day during the summer, I'd
listen for Mister Softee, and it was great cause he'd go to the beach,
and come back my way. The moment he passed our house heading towards the
beach, I'd be rummaging through the couch and my mom my dad's piggy bank
for spare change. The chocolate covered cat (or was it the dog?) with
sprinkles was always awesome LOL At that time, I wasn't eating the Mr
Softee because of an unhealthy relationship with food (it was just good
back then and I was like every other kid on the block LOL), but sadly,
rummaging for the money was one of the "bonding moments" I had with my
mom...

-- As I read back over this, I feel saddened and really long for my
mom... The thing that is different now than in the past is that I am no
longer turning to food to stuff these feelings back inside to avoid
them. Neither am I trying to run from them... Rather, I am allowing
myself to experience the feelings and permit them to "just be".
Sometimes it's ok to be a turtle and hide out and nurture one's self...


14 MONTHS POST-OP, JULY 2004


~~~~~~7/7/04 Wednesday, 9:00 pm - Weight 175 lbs (-192 lbs)
This past week was unreal in terms of wanting to snack. I think it
started when my mind "tricked" me into bringing home a no sugar added
apple pie from a local restaurant last week, Monday. The carbs left me
craving for more and left me with a LOT of head hunger. It was made
worse by a tough therapy session this past Friday followed by spending
the weekend in San Diego with Alan and friends. While I had a GREAT
time, I didn't have any down time at home which I often need following
therapy sessions. I didn't eat anything bad so to say, but I DID find
myself snacking/grazing and eating after 9pm (two of my rules of what
not to do). Also, the scale has gone up 5 lbs in the past week. It's
impossible for that to be an actual weight gain as even with the
snacking, my caloric intake wasn't high enough for such a gain. Yet, all
the same, it is unsettling to see the scale show that much higher. So,
as of yesterday, it's been back to basics more or less... 3 meals per
day, protein first, exercise, fluids, no snacking...


~~~~~~7/8/04 Thursday, 6:30 am - Weight 173 lbs (-194 lbs)
The rules I follow for myself in terms of eating include no sugar, fried
foods, carbonation, rice, pasta, and rarely bread or potato as well as
no snacking or night time eating. But I broke some of these rules last
week starting with a no sugar apple pie (which I will NOT do again any
time soon)...

Way before my WLS, when I was on the liquid fast for 10 months and again
for 7 months, I learned that just adding one potato a day and continuing
the shakes and nothing else could bring my weight loss to a halt. The
moment I rid of the potatoes, the weight loss would pick up again. It
was the hardest thing to do to give up my daily potato after adding it
in to my daily routine as I soooo loved them (especially when I wasn't
eating anything else). It was actually harder to give up those potatoes
than it was to stay on a liquid diet for 10 months...

I DO eat carbs - just rarely from bread, rice, pasta or potatoes. And
protein is first of course... But I do regularly eat fruits and veggies.
Oh, and no juice of any sort. Even the no sugar added juices are WAY too
high in sugar and calories. Another of my rules is that I won't drink my
calories (unless a protein shake that derives the great majority of its
calories from protein - ie: no Atkins brand shakes or anything similar).

This week I am facing the "giving up" stage as I described above.
Tonight, I will be going to Coastal's support group meeting and in the
back of my head is this stupid voice reminding me that the restaurant we
usually go to after the meeting will have the no sugar added apple pie
(and banana cream pie). I am so so darn tempted to bye another one
rationalizing it in my head that their pies are not full size pies but
rather about 1/3 the size of a pie (the restaurant calls them tarts)).
But I know that I would be best off saying no to that voice and not
giving into it. If I don't give into it, then tomorrow morning when I
wake, I won't have to struggle to decide to have a healthy breakfast as
opposed to pie. And even more important, I won't be promoting the head
hunger that seems to have been ruling my eating this past week (and not
sticking to my rules for myself).

What is frustrating is that part of the reason I decided to get the pie
to begin with last week (and the week before) is that I assumed that I
could get away with it as I am nearing goal and my weight loss is
slowing anyway coupled with the fact that I've been doing LOTS of
physical activity, but I was wrong. The pressure is off in terms of
wanting to see the scale move like I did when I was earlier out and
still had a LOT more weight to lose. While I still want to lose a few
more lbs (hoping about 20), my focus seems to be shifting towards
maintenance. It used to be that sticking to the rules was part of the
weight loss "game". As much as I'd want an off limit food or to snack or
eat at night or not get in enough sleep, I wouldn't as I wanted to see a
change in the scale the next day. These days, the thrill of seeing the
changes in the scale that kept me doing all the right things is gone.
Now it's about doing the right things to lose the last few lbs and to
maintain.

But what I learned from the no sugar added apple pie experience is that
I still can't have it around me. The temptation is too much for me and
when I have it, it's like the potatoes in my fasting days - even though
I'm still deficiting in calories taken in and burned, it affects my
weight greatly...

So back to the basics and sticking to my rules... And not just until I
get to goal either... Making healthy choices and eating/exercising right
truly has to be a new way of life and not simply another diet...


~~~~~~7/13/04 Tuesday, 5:30 pm - Weight 169 lbs (-198 lbs)
Well, I'm back on track once again :) This past weekend I went kayaking
with my hubby and a group of other WLS'ers from Coastal Center for
Obesity. We had a great time! The above photo is of me and my hubby, and
I'm amazed to see myself here. I'm still having a hard time looking past
the excess skin (trust me, there's lots of it and clothing hides a LOT),
so seeing photos such as this is an absolute reality check for me.


~~~~~~7/14/04 Wednesday, 5:30 am - Weight 168 lbs (-199 lbs)
Oh yay!!!!! -199 and only one more lb to go till I can say I've lost 200
lbs!!!!! I woke this morning to say goodbye to my sweetie as he left for
work and figured I'd check my weight before heading back to sleep.
Finally, the scale is heading in the right direction again and read 168
this morning :) Now, knowing that my weight is always lower in the
morning when I've slept a full 8 hours, I figure that by the time I wake
for the day for real, it might just read 167! OK, so keeping my fingers
crossed....

I can remember three other times when I was such a "scale whore" LOL -
the first when I was leaving the 300's, the second when I reached 267
and the century club, the third when I went into the ONEderfuls (which
seemed to take forever as I stayed 199 to 201 for about 3 weeks), and
finally now :)

So off to bed I go for a little bit more and I'll check in when I wake!
Keeping fingers crossed!!!! (silly to pray as there's more important
things to pray about ;)

Sending smiles to all and can't wait to see everyone who will be going
to the OH conference planning meeting followed by the OH Orange County
Support Group meeting at OH's office in the Irvine Spectrum (starts at 6
and 7pm)!


~~~~~~7/14/04 Wednesday, 10:30 am - Weight 167 lbs (-200 lbs!!!)
Thank you soooooooo much to all who emailed me regarding my last
post!!!!!!! You've no idea how everyone here inspires me!!!!! Also, it
so so soooooo means so much to hear "you've used your tool well" and
this sort of thing as it validates all of the hard work I've done at
following the rules and doing what I need to do to have lost so much
weight in a short 14 months. Thank you!!!!!

And drum roll please....... Guess what the scale said when I woke the
second time this morning???? YUP YUP YUP!!!! 167!!!!!!!!!!!! So I am now
officially a member of the Double Century Club!!!!!!!! It so blows me
away to be able to say that. I remember being in absolute awe of hearing
other postops say that and thinking "if only I am so lucky!" Well, luck
isn't all that was at play, but it CAN be done!!!!!!!


~~~~~~7/18/04 Sunday, 9:16 pm - Weight 166 lbs (-201 lbs!!!)
What a great Friday spent with Mika rollerskating and at Disneyland and
then a great Saturday spent walking in the Bolsa Chica Wetlands with a
group of WLS friends followed by a day at the beach! Alan and I got
terrible sunburns and we have been home all day today doing nothing but
going "ow!!!" every time we move! Click on one of the photos above to go
to my picturetrail and then click on "Even More WLS & Friends" and
scroll down for all the photos :)


~~~~~~7/27/04 Tuesday, 11:30 am - Weight 164 lbs (-203 lbs!!!)
Someone in my inperson support group has been gaining a bit of weight
following his RNY about 2 years ago. Myself and others have been very
worried for him, and it concerns me as if he could gain back so much
weight, what's stopping any of us from doing the same. I've often
thought of just coming out and asking him about it and expressing my
concern and offering him any support he may need, but each time I've
spoken to him, he doesn't mention anything other than to say he's doing
fine. I so wish he would open up about his recent gain as this way we
all could be there to support him through this and perhaps his insight
into what he could be doing different (assuming he's doing something
wrong) would help all of us too.

For myself, I am still doing pretty good when it comes to dealing with
my food demons. A good part of this is being on top of what I have
available to eat. I know that there are certain foods that are trigger
foods for me and I am best not to have them around (such as ice cream,
chips, and most recently learned about no sugar added apple pie). I
consider myself to be like an alcoholic who needs to avoid that "first
sip" lest open up the door to a major relapse.

Specifically, I've learned that "staying within the rules" is what helps
me to stay on track, but as long as I stay within these rules, I will
continue to lose weight as the most calories I can get in in a day under
them is about 1200 calories [ie: 3 meals per day, 2 snacks at most,
nothing fried, no pasta, rice, and VERY little bread, no high sugar or
fat foods (anything over 10 g of either unless it is meat which is high
in protein), no eating after 9pm, no grazing, etc.]. And what frightens
me is how I will maintain my weight loss and not lose too much or should
I start breaking my rules, open the door to eating too much and eventual
weight regain. Granted, my weight loss is MUCH slower now than it has
been though I am still losing about a lb to 2 lbs each week and I don't
want to lose too much.

I am at 164 lbs as of this morning (203 lbs lost) and am wondering where
I will stop. I am already wearing Misses and Juniors Small and Petite
Small tops and Misses 6 to 8 jeans. I can wear clothing that I wore as a
teenager when I was 125 lbs... Per the BMI chart, at 5'5" tall, I should
weigh around 134 lbs, but I've no clue where another 30 lbs will come
from outside of the excess skin. And looking at recent photos of myself
where I am literally "swimming" in skin, I think that most of those 30
lbs IS from the excess skin at this point. My body fat percentage was
21% 18 lbs ago (2 1/2 months ago) and I expect is lower now, so has
already been in a normal range for awhile. Dr. Katzen says that at most
I have 10 lbs of excess skin to come off, but I definitely question
this...

Anyways, I ramble... Emotions-wise, the anxiety, depression and
dissociation have been pretty bad this past month. I continue to keep
trying to put up a fight each and every day, and some days are better
than others, but lately it feels like I am losing the battle. I am still
working on "keeping blinders on" so that I can focus on one thing at a
time, but saying I feel overwhelmed by all the "to dos" is putting it
mildly. Most days, I find myself being paralyzed by the anxiety and
depression and not getting anything accomplished in terms of cleaning,
going through papers, ridding of the clutter, etc. I am not scared of
moving as much as I am simply overwhelmed by everything that needs to be
done to get from point A to point B, all the while feeling on the verge
of continued flashbacks which leaves me shutting down and not able to
move forward.


~~~~~~7/28/04 Wednesday, 5:50 pm - Weight 164 lbs (-203 lbs!!!)
Geesh, today has been an AWFUL day of grazing. I have no clue why or
what's going on... Wondering as I type when my period is due...

Started out the morning with 1/2 cup SW Eggbeaters with 2 pieces Kraft
Non-fat Cheese. Was off to a good start. Sometime between then and now,
I've also had 1/4 cup cherries, 1 cup watermelon, 1 1/2 TBSP peanut
butter (something I VERY rarely have given the high fat content), 1 oz
beef jerky, sugar free creamsicle, Pro Blend 55 protein shake (alone
worth 55 gm protein), lots of Crystal Light Classic Orange, and water. I
am still wanting to eat but am denying myself it at this point. Alan
will be home soon and will be stopping off at Starbucks on the way. I
plan to have chicken and cheese with salsa for dinner tonight.

I just hate these days where I feel famished... I am trying to choose
healthy foods for damage control, but geesh, I hate this feeling of not
having enough...


15 MONTHS POST-OP, AUGUST 2004


~~~~~~8/2/04 Monday, 4:30 pm - Weight 166 lbs (-201 lbs)
Thank goodness the bad "grazing day" only lasted a day. I am still not
sure what was up with that, but since then, I've been back on track and
doing fine. My weight is still bouncing around a bit and this past week
has been bouncing between 164 and 168. I am hoping that I will continue
to lose a little more, though I wouldn't be surprised if I start
leveling out very soon. I am still working on getting a referral from my
primary care doctor to Dr Katzen. Being that I have an HMO now, I need
to see an in-network plastic surgeon, and if this PS says I have to see
a PS who specializes in reconstructive surgery and that he doesn't do
this, then perhaps I will get the referral to Dr. Katzen. So for now, I
have a referral for Dr. Solmer in Newport Beach and will see him August
16th. His office staff says that he is familiar with reconstructive
surgery and does body lifts though I question this. On a positive note,
he did Leanne H's tummy tuck and breast lift and she has been very happy
with the results so far. On a negative note, he does his surgeries
through a clinic as opposed to a hospital and I am not happy with this
at all. I will go to the consult with Dr. Solmer though on the 16th and
am going to try to keep an open mind.


~~~~~~Hi everyone!!!!!! We have lots more fun activities heading our
way!!!!!!! Here's some dates and events to add to your calender!!!
Remember, everyone is invited including family and friends!!!! Please
email me if you plan on attending any of these events so that I can have
a general knowledge of the head count.

August 7th, Saturday, 8 am - Hike at Crystal Cove State Park just North
of Laguna Beach (off PCH). Moderate hike. More info and directions will
be forthcoming later today! (possible kayaking in Newport Back Bay or
going to Laguna Beach afterwards???)

August 11th, Wednesday, 6:00 pm to 7:30 pm - Obesity Help Orange County
Chapter meeting at OH's Irvine Office at the Irvine Spectrum (8001
Irvine Center Drive in Irvine). Exit at Alton off the 5 Fwy and head
West to the Quest Software building which is one of the two tall office
buildings just outside the mall. Topic - body image and distortion. Pre
and postops welcomed!!!

August 14th, Saturday, 4 pm - SoCal WLS karaoke party at Rachel's house
in Laguna Niguel (keep your eyes on the ObesityHelp CA Message Boards
for Rachel's posts rg this FUN event!!!).

August 21st, Saturday, 12 noon - SoCal WLS Get-Together/Luncheon at the
Maya Inn in Mission Viejo. Thank you, Patty Rex and family for allowing
us to all meet at your wonderful restaurant!!!! Directions: 5 Fwy, exit
at Alicia Pkwy (just South of El Toro Rd). Head East to Jeronimo. Make a
left heading North and then turn right into the shopping complex just
before Los Alisos. The Maya Inn is in the corner of the SE shopping
complex at Jeronimo and Los Alisos. For those in Riverside or San
Bernadino, you can take the 91 Fwy to the 241 Tollroad, go South about
18 miles and exit at Los Alisos. Head West to Jeronimo. The address for
those wanting further directions from Mapquest, etc. is 25571 Jeronimo.
RSVP is not necessary but would be helpful, and you can email me,
Caroline, at caroline@mildstonescreations.com . Patty has a karaoke
machine and will have this available to us depending on how busy the
restaurant is.

August 22nd, Sunday, 8 am -- Hike at Arroyo Seco trail in Pasadena near
JPL. Trail follows a beautiful creek and makes for an awesome hike.
Starts out fairly level but becomes moderate to intense. We are going to
aim for a 9 mile hike to the falls area which would mean we'd be hiking
18 miles total (yes! you read right!!!! about a 6 hour hike). Be sure to
bring food, plenty of water, sunscreen, hats, and whatever you may need
to make this a comfortable hike. If we can't make it the full 9 miles in
and 9 miles out, that's ok. We can always decide to turn around at any
time. However, we will need to stay as a group and not let anyone turn
around and go back by themselves as there are mountain lions in the
area. Directions will be forthcoming.

August 28th, Saturday, 9 am - San Diego Wild Animal Park. We'll be
meeting just outside the entrance gates from 8:30 am to 9 am. More info
and directions will be forthcoming!

August 29th, Sunday, 9 am - San Diego Zoo. We'll be meeting just outside
the entrance gates from 8:30 am to 9 am. Be prepared for lots of
walking. The zoo is hilly terrain and is a moderate walk. More info and
directions will be forthcoming!

Hope to see you at some if not all of these events!!!!

BTW, would anyone be interested in joining Alan and me this Labor Day at
the Mount Baldy Race to the Top? Alan has done this 8 mile hike almost
every year for the past 12 years, and for the 7 years we've been
married, each year I go with him only to take the ski lift to the mid
point of the race, and read a book while waiting for him to finish the
race.

This year, I am going to attempt the race with my hubby :) I've no clue
if I'll be able to finish or not, but I am sure going to try!!!!! We'd
love for others to join us!!!! Please let me know if you might be
interested!!!! We'll be hiking Crystal Cove this Sat and Arroyo Seco on
the 22nd of August, so we'll have some training prior to this!!!

Let me know if you might be interested in joining us!!!!!!!Here's a
further description of the hike: "One of the most difficult races in
California. It's approximately 8 miles long with a grueling 4,000 foot
elevation gain. Starting close to 6,000 foot elevation in The Angeles
National Forest with the finish line on the summit of Mt Baldy at 10,064
feet elevation."


~~~~~~8/7/04 Saturday, 7:00 am - Weight 163 lbs (-204 lbs)
This morning, another's post in my GastricBypass-PostOp YahooGroup
reminded me of something that hasn't been an issue for sooooooooo long.
When I was living in Queens (Kew Gardens), I worked in Harlem as a case
manager for a contracted child welfare agency and later as a program
director for a group home in the Lower East Side. These required that I
traveled into the city (via subway) every day as well as doing a lot of
other traveling by train. The LIRR is nice in that one gets to find a
seat, but the subways are usually packed and rarely could I get a seat.
I always knew the exact number of people who could sit in on a subway
bench and I took up the space of about 3 people. Where I got on the
train (Kew Gardens Rd or Hillside Ave in Jamaica), there was usually a
seat or two available but never 3 in a row. I was always too ashamed to
ask if people could move and not that they would anyway. The looks I got
when they saw me coming was hurtful enough. So I'd stand the whole way
into the city, my legs and ankles so so swolen by the time I got to
work.

That was just the ride on the subway. Getting on the subway was bad
enough - dealing with the entrances and exits (I knew EXACTLY where I
should enter and where to stand so that I could exit the car closest to
the exit I needed), the turnstiles, the stairs and non-working
escalators, etc. all just overwhelmed me.

There were too many days that by the end of the day, I couldn't face the
subway ride home followed by the mile walk to my apt, and I would opt to
take a taxi all the way back to my home - a ride cost about $30 assuming
there was no traffic. On good days or when money ran out which was
frequent, I'd take the subway to the Kew Gardens exit and then cab the
one mile walk home (about $5). Of course, EVERY morning, I would cab it
to the subway station as the one mile walk uphill or the one mile walk
through Jamaica (high crime area) was impossible for me to do.

During times when money ran out, which wasn't uncommon, I'd take the
LIRR to and from Penn Station and catch the subway or a cab the rest of
the way. The walk to/from home was then lessened to a 1/2 mile and I
didn't have to stand...

There are some things I sure don't miss about living in NYC... There are
some things that I will never miss about being super morbidly obese...


~~~~~~8/7/04 Saturday, 9:00 pm - Weight 163 lbs (-204 lbs)
WOW!!!! What a day!!!!!!!!! An exhausting but FUN day hiking El Morro
Canyon at Crystal Cove State Park North of Laguna. We only had 3 people
show (myself, hubby Alan, and Lisa P.) but what an adventurous day we
had!!!!

OK, so what started out as a "moderate hike" turned out to be a
full-blown kill-the-legs and butt 5 hour (yes! you read right!)
challenge of torturous rocky, hilly, slippery, hot, you-name-it
terrain!!!!!!!

In those 5 hours, of almost straight hiking and running with VERY few
stops, we hiked near 11 miles!!!!!!!!! Yes, and this was my idea of
moderate????????????????????? Well, not to excuse myself, but just
"hiking" to and from my mailbox was an adventure as a preop, so I'd
never hiked in Crystal Cove before and I got my info from the web....
Boy did those people ever lie!!!! LOL

OK, now I know you are thinking, "thank God I didn't go on that
hike!!!!!" but you missed an incredible time!!!!! I hope more people
will join us for our next adventures hiking Arroyo Seco (near Pasadena)
on Sunday, August 22nd, and "Run to the Top" at Mount Baldy on Labor
Day!!!! The Arroyo Seco hike will run about 18 miles (9 miles in and 9
miles out) and Mount Baldy will be about 8 miles ALL uphill (I've no
clue if we'll be able to finish either but we sure will try!!!).

Of course, wherever I go, so does my camera ;) So be on the lookout for
LOTS of photos from today in my picturetrail at
http://picturetrail.com/carolineam in the "WLS Photos" and "And Yet Even
More WLS Events & Friends" folders.

Hugs to all, and hope to see you during future adventures!!!!!!


~~~~~~8/10/04 Tuesday, 9:30 am - Weight 161 lbs (-206 lbs)
I am beginning to wonder if I am losing too much weight... ????? My
therapist asked me yesterday if I thought I might be becoming anorexic
and feels that I am at goal or have surpassed it. Several others have
recently told me (including my PCP) that I should look to maintain and
not lose anymore. And looking in the mirror, mostly what I see is lots
of excess skin, and lots of bones (like on my back and chest (ribcage).

Looking at some photos I had Mika take of me last night after our
inperson support group meeting, I am really beginning to wonder. I
uploaded some of them to my photos folder here and while the lighting
wasn't the greatest, I wonder if I REALLY look that bony and almost
emaciated - it was just poor lighting, or is that how I really look? If
the latter, I am worried...

This would surely explain my having some bad wanting to graze days
lately... Perhaps my body is trying to tell me to stop losing...

Also, I have missed my period this month so far. I actually thought I
was pregnant for a couple weeks but per 2 home pregnancy tests, I am
not. Wondering if it could be because my body fat has dropped too low?
Back in May my body fat percentage was 21% - a perfectly healthy body
fat percentage. At that time, I had a mere 41 lbs of fat left on me.
I've since lost another 22 lbs and wonder if that was all fat or muscle
too... If fat, then there's a good chance that my body fat percentage is
too low which would account for the missed period (I have NEVER in my
life missed periods, btw, except for times I was pregnant).

I know I am not fat any longer, but I don't see myself as tiny or as
thin as everyone is telling me I am. Rather, I see the excess skin and
the body areas when I look in the mirror. The body image distortion is
frightening in and of itself. My mom was anorexic (truly anorexic
weighing less than 100 lbs at 5'10") for a time when I was a kid, and I
remember her dressing up thinking she looked great, but what we all saw
was frightening. She couldn't see anything but fat even though she was
emaciated and sick. Is this where I am heading???

I have a follow up appt with my surgeon today and I am going to ask him
about all of this as well as ask for a referral to see a nutritionist,
have a new body fat composition test done (to know exactly what is going
on with my body fat percentage), and ask for a consult with Dr. Oliak
who does full body lifts to get a better idea of just where I might end
up following the removal of the skin. I am not necessarily wanting PS
immediately (I'd like to have a child first), but I want to know minus
the skin, where would I be at weight wise and size-wise. I am pretty
sure I'd be at or under a healthy weight and size.

If I am losing too much, do I start breaking my "rules" and start eating
more in an attempt to start maintaining? Or do I let myself become
underweight and have faith that my body will eventually level out to
where it is supposed to be? Some say it's better to lose too much so
when you have the typical "weight bounceback" of about 10% of your
excess body weight that you've lost beginning 1 1/2 to 2 years postop,
you will be at an ideal weight.

Anyway, I ramble.... Just lots of stuff going through my head this
morning...